January 15th Game Reports
Bruins 6 Red Wings 1
The Bruins have a trusted recipe for success that Captain Tim brought out of the MNHL cook book last night… when Bob “The Dean” Anderson scores 2 goals, the Bruins win!
Well it is exam time and The Dean decided to play it safe and scored 4 on route to a Bruins victory. Adam Fremeth and Deven Richardson also scored for the Bruins and Dunbar was 1 save away from the ever elusive shut out.
Leafs 9 Kings 4
The ice ran black with the blood of the Kings. The Leafs decided to play Jon Snow on this snowy night and slayed the King in this Game of Thrones style beat down.
David “Bobby” Orr was solid in net and the relentless Kings fore check was able to put pressure on a Kings team that was dangerous but unable to finish.
In a surprise to both teams, Dave Barrett decided to pass but… pass towards the net and the darn thing actually worked, catching the Kings goalie by such surprise that it actually went past him into the goal. To some this is known as a shot but since Barrett rarely takes the opportunity to shoot, we’ll just let him call it what he wants. When asked about it after the game he reported that “I ran out of room to do another toe drag”.
One only wonders how the Kings would have fared had Adam Foulon not been on vacation. Hopefully the drinks are cold where he is because Henry was red hot about the missed sniper.
Whalers 7 Penguins 2
It’s true, the big blue birds were bitten by the wonderful Whalers. Penguins too depressed to provide game report and Jimmy shuns technology.
January 8th Game Reports
Whalers 4 Leafs 2
In a close game that had back and forth play from both teams, the Whalers hung onto a 3-2 lead before dumping an empty netter with seconds remaining to take the 1st win of 2018 over the Leafs.
The game showed why 40 year olds should not take 2 weeks off between games as the first 15 minutes was a display of rust and wheezing.
The New Years resolution to back check more lasted 8 days for a good chunk of the players on both teams.
Shaun Martin brought his strong glove hand and over sized pads into the new year and David Orr played strong in his 2nd of a reported 3 games in 1 night for the Leafs.
The final seconds were a classic display of MNHL resiliency as the Leafs hit a double post shot on what would be the tying goal but unfortunately you don’t get points for the posts.
Jimmy found his way into the Leafs room post-game, the smell of chili dogs and the opportunity to gloat were just too much for him to resist.
Bruins 7 Kings 4
New Year same result
The tuxedo’d birds rang the new year in with style after a convincing 7-3 win over the slow starting Wings. Feeling inspired by new Nike commercial depicting a youthful athlete sharing his good nature off the ice, the Pens punished the Red wings early on mounting a 3 goal lead before the Redwings offense took to the ice. that would be Adam Cleland who was locked out of the dressing room by team captain Skufka who was taking on the extra roll of powering the redwings offense. Sorry Joe you do need Adam.
the Pens offense was lead by power forward and health nut Rich Wooooooton, who started the new year off with a hattie. other offensive contributors were, soft hands Boone, who created more than just offence on this night. drawing 2 penalties on Red wings D man Zedano Alton, the wings started chirping the ref for an apparent dive. after further review it was determined that the ref was correct dispite lobbying attempts by super negotiator and part time ref Stevens.
With the Red Wings offense dressed and now present on the ice, the opportunistic Cleland pounced on turnovers by Pens D to close the early gap. with the wings pressing, super sniper and newly promoted wingman Ernie”cant tell I’m a D ranked player” Tell continued his impressive season debut with another classic. pivoting on the spot and sending a shot careening off bodies in front of the net it found its way over the goal line before Patrick could dislodge the net from is moorings. Red wings were not discouraged and pressed on resulting in another snipe by AC who carried the offensive load for the Wings. another untimely turn over by the Pens D had Dean “spin master” Shill rapping to himself as he struggled to delete Selene Dion from his playlist
with the game under control an ill advised rush by Pens D Oniel was rewarded with a goal after hoisting a wrister past wings netminder. a post game interview with Patrick revealed that he was screened on the play and would have easily made the save if not for import D screening his vision
Best pass of the night was delivered later at Marino’s as Cortese graciously offered Double Dip Dave the last pizza slice of the night. would have went to Oniel if he stayed past 12 o’clock but thems the break
December 18th Game Reports
Leafs 8 Bruins 2
It’s winter but the Leafs are blossoming winning 2 in a row. Continued strong play from Kevin Rupple and David “Bobby” Orr has the Leafs primed for big things in 2018…
The Bruins were missing Tiny Tim Gibson on the back end and brought up 2 ringers from the high school league. Dunbar Junior got the nod from old man Craig and filled in admirably as an emergency spare but the decreased skill and speed of the MNHL was too much for him to handle “I can’t believe they let guys this old play hockey” he was reported as saying after the game as he guzzled some of the fine Marino’s wings down… a couple more wing nights and you’ll be at MNHL speed young fella!
Stanley “Cup” Norman had a bunch of chances last night but declined to score, instead saving his big finish for the pizza after the game.
But the big win for the Leafs came in the post game dressing room thanks to our little friend the shower loufa.
Whalers 8 Red Wings 2
Whalers were seen skating around cots on the ice for the first 5 minutes as the mighty Red Wings slept upon them, jumped to a quick 4-0 lead.
Red Wings decided to strategize and went with 11 forwards and one defense man (goalie Patrick) all game but it didn’t pan out unfortunately. The good news for net minder Patrick Rodrigues was that he stoned the Whalers on 11 breakaways, give or take a couple. The bad news was that 4 more got by him during the rest of the game for an 8-3 final.
Whalers’ Cortese was not to be outdone by teammate Webster, matching him goal for goal in duelling hatricks. Big man Blair was observed on the ice on numerous occasions counting the number of Whaler players, thinking there had to be 8 players on the ice.
To make matters worse, Captain Joe was sidelined for the game and subjected to Captain Jimmy taunts for a looooong 90 minutes!
On a side note, the league is looking into purchasing a year’s supply of crazy glue for goalie Patrick because his net seems to pop off it’s moorings 3-4 times a game.
Afterwards, the Christmas party was a great success, fantastic turnout! Un-named multiple sources observed Chicken Wing Davey Orr sliding from table to table with plate in hand and licking his fingers as he moved. Reports are in that chicken farmers are working feverishly to increase production in order to facilitate the year end party in March!
Kings 5 vs Penguins 2
Penguins deliver early Christmas present to Kings
Succumbed by royal pressure to keep King Henry in the Christmas spirit the Penguins lost back to back games for the first time in MNHL league play. This holiday season slump was celebrating by all chasing teams as evidence by the cold shoulder reception at the annual MNHL christmas party.
Another slow start by the webbed birds — google search confirms that Penguins do in fact have webbed feet — provided numerous offensive chances early for the Kings.
Led by the line of Pratt – Foozie and the other guy, the Kings struck early catching Dean “mix master” Thrill caught between songs as he tried to queue up some Barry Manilow Christmas favorites. with one early marker in the books the Kings continued to press with Andrew Sharpie aggravating the Pens as he looked to filet the Pens with some crafty stick work that resembled Clark Grizwall’s Christmas turkey carving. Pens D Jeff Conway not feeling the Christmas spirit or spirits in general was penalized by Ref on a couple of occasions leading to frustrations too much to bear. a couple more penalties and the “sit in the box to feel shame” was too much and exited early from the competition.
This left a gaping hole in the Pens D which they were not able to fill as they were trying to help out the frustrated offense shut down by Leafs sub Dave”not bobby” Orr… later seen enjoying the spoils of victory at Marino’s.
More scrappy play and more jousting by numerous combatants was tempered by a busy ref who was left to keep the peace filling the penalty box with offenders.
With the Pens pressing for goals the Kings were presented with numerous breakaway chances which Dean was able to turn aside redeeming himself for some early softies that are not the norm.
With an extremely light bench the Kings were valiant in their efforts to defend their lead sending the Pens home pondering their future atop the MNHL standings.
Final score Kings 5 Pens 2.
SAFETY REMINDER: PHONES ON BENCH
Talbot Stevens of the Leafs has reminded us of a very important point: It is strongly encouraged that each team bring a cell phone to the bench in case of a medical emergency – the 2 minutes it takes to retrieve a phone from off the ice may be the difference that matters.
Each team should coordinate to have a designated cell phone on the bench.
Remember: you can always make an emergency call from a locked cell phone!
December 11th Game Reports
Bruins 6 Penguins 5
It was an EPIC comeback by the Bruins after trailing early.
Things seemed completely over when Jeff Conway slipped behind the D to roof a shot blocker side to make the score 5-2 for the Pens early in the second.
Giving up a goal to his son’s former (brilliant) soccer coach seemed to motivate Dunbar to start stopping the puck and the bounces started going the Bruins way. After tying the game late, Andy Leung got sprung on a breakaway only to be pulled down leading to the most exciting play in hockey – a penalty shot.
Dean “The Thrill” Shill stood tall making a big pad save on the penalty shot and the game seemed destined for a tie. Then, amazingly the Bruins somehow got a 2 on 0 break with under 30 seconds left and Bob “the Dean” Andersen buried it. It surely was a Festivus miracle!
The Bruins scorers in addition to Andersen included Gibson, Bancroft, Higgins and Fremeth, who seems to be on a bit of tear scoring in 2 straight games.
While the win was both surprising and thrilling for the Bruins, the best part was to come as the team descended on casa-Mitchell for beer, food and, of course the massage chair!
MNHL Insider Report – Bruins vs Penguins
— By Slob McKenzie the MNHL Insider
Last minute heroics bury Pens
another early game time start for Pens who prefer pregame 9pm naps were preyed upon by carnivorous Bruins lead by burly D Captain Gibson. Looking like the Gibby of old he danced around the pylon prone Pens and ripped a shot on goal. the juicy rebound was hammered home by a persistent Gibson putting the bears up early in this contest.
the penguins respond with some aggressive clean play resulting in penguins forward Duffy left alone in front , like latch key kid, getting three attempts to rattle home his own rebound(s).
Some Slick passing by bruins lands on the stick of Dave “finger licking good” Bancroft. who rings puck off inside crossbar. Penguins appeal to ref stating the angle of entry does not co-inside with the trajectory of the puck leaving the goal. further collaboration reviewed by off ice official concurs with ref and bruins rewarded with goal.
Both teams exchanged chances late in the 1st frame. the only one to penetrate the goal was Pens consistent winning talent Ernie “Lucky” Tell. with lighting quick hands Ernie slams puck past Dunbar and celebrates consecutive game goals(previously gone unrecorded).
with the Pens up a goal, sleek skating Conway made mince meat our of Bruins D, picking on Flamingo possessing Gibson who took the bait and failed to protect his goalie. 2 more head bobs and Dunbar is left fishing the puck out of the back of the net. Pens up 5-2
Tripping penalty on penguins was not capitalized by Bruins as the Penguins controlled most of the play until blown icing call by ref. This re-energized the hibernating bears as they took advantage of bad bound and beat Shill. not sure who scored but by Higgins giddy reaction you can assume he’s taking credit for that one.
despite numerous rushes up the ice, Rich “keep shooting” Wooton averaging 25 shots per game was kept off the scoreboard.
As the pace of the game slows not sure if it’s the build up of snow on the ice or just poor conditioning but bruins fortunes take a turn as Hail Mary puck toss towards goal is tipped past dean to knot the game at 5’s
Tired legs and mental lapse result in tripping penalty on Bancroft. Most of the defending is provided by Dunbar who has found his grove and turns back numerous chances by Pens.
Another blown icing call has ref in hot water again but the infraction is welcomed by the exhausted participants.
Late Turn over by mike marquis forced pens d to take down Leung whose rewarded with penalty shot. After consulting with Dunbar on shootout advice “keep it away from the mitt..thanks Captain Obvious” Andy goes low blocker only to be thwarted by Shill’s pinball paddle pads. with less than 20 seconds on the clock Pens cannot clear the puck and Bruins forward finds top shelf to steal a win with 17 seconds left in the game. Higgins was again over zealous in the celebration department but that win might be the early present the Bruins had on their wish list.
Whalers 6 Kings 2
Nice tip in goal from the Kings Murray Pratt but otherwise she was all Whalers.
Two Whalers goals from Rocket Russ Rodrigues, one from Scott Duncan, one from Toe dragging Cortese, and one off the ass from Vince C!
Rookie Goaltender Matt Roy made a bevy of peachy saves to keep it close for most of the game, even saved a couple off his mask and decided to hold an impromptu meeting with the referee in a not so quiet tone.
Leafs 9 Red Wings 2
The Leafs jumped out to an early lead and never looked back thanks to some tic-tac-toe passing between Kevin Rupple and Dave Barrett. John “White Gloves” Lierman was not to be outdone showing his “toe drag of death” to the Red Wings d-men several times.
The High Energy Line of Joe Regnier and Kevin Noble put on a ferocious fore check for the Leafs and Stan “The Man” Norman had a bunch of quality chances.
In the back end, Geoff Curphey returned from a weeks rest to channel his inner Paul Coffey with some patented end to end rushes and Mike Courtney said “I can do that too” by jumping into the rush early and often.
The Red Wings got strong play from Brad Nickle and The Cleland clan but despite a dozen 2 on 1’s could not get more then 2 past David Orr.
Big Blair Alton was strong on the back end for the Wings and Joe Skufca showed why his return was greeted with cheers from the Red Wings fans by digging one past the Leafs goalie.
The play of the night for the Leafs though – was Captain Talbot remembering to bring the dressing room key out and not locking it in the room like 2 weeks ago – the boys always enjoy a win where they can change after vs sitting in the lobby for 15 minutes as the rink rat finds the bolt cutters.
The win puts the Leafs back in the playoff hunt as they round out the 1st half of the MNHL Season.
(Oh yeah… Matt Snyder also had 4 goals including a natural hat trick, unfortunately he didn’t see any of them go in because he played with his head down the entire game.)
A quick MNHL Rule Refresher after a couple of situations over the last few weeks.
Your Captains have been made aware and will communicate this to the referee before the game.
All decisions made by the MNHL are made with the following considerations in mind (in order of importance):
- Focus on keeping it SAFE for all players
- Focus on keeping it SOCIAL for all players
- and finally focus on keeping it COMPETITIVE for all players
Penalties… Minor penalties are 3 minutes and Major penalties are 7 minutes RUN TIME. The penalty time should start when the puck is dropped at the face off immediately following the penalty and end 3 or 7 minutes later.
Ejections… If a player receives a penalty and is ejected, the short handed team can rotate the players serving the penalty at whistles to avoid having 1 player have to sit in the box the entire duration of the penalty.
Slap Shots… are not allowed. Any slap shot will result in a Penalty regardless of height. The general rule of thumb is above the knee = slap shot.
Game Clock… Each period should be should be set for 35 minutes. Warm ups should be limited to 5 minutes max. Players should strive to get on the ice ASAP.
Curfews… The 9:00 game curfews at 10:2. The 10:30 game curfews at 11:50. The 10:40 game curfews at 12:00. Remember, each game consists of 2 x 35 minute periods.
Last 3 Minutes… In the last 3 minutes with a differential of 2 or less goals the trailing team sets the pace. Referee should drop the puck when the trailing team is ready and wave off icings by the leading team to keep the game running. The trailing captain should be communicating this to the referee during the final minutes.
December 4 Game Reports
Kings 5 Red Wings 4
The Kings defeated the Red Wings but no information was provided as Joe was on vacation and Henry yet to return from his “around the world in 80 days” adventure.
Penguins 4 Leafs 2
The Penguins hold on for their league leading 10th win.
The first period belonged to the Blue Birds who jumped out to a lead around the 10 minute mark but a motivated Leafs team kept it close with a timely goal from Kevin Rupple.
The difference may have been the quick leather oven mitt of Dean “The Thrill” Shill who made countless timely saves to stall any hopes of a Leafs comeback, and the smooth skating of Jeff Conway who controlled the pace of play for the Penguins from the back end.
Despite a 7 minute power play for the Leafs thanks to a major penalty against the Pens – the first in the history of the New MNHL – the Leafs were not able to tie the game.
An unidentified Penguin was able to wack in the insurance goal when Talbot called the goalie to the bench with just over 2 minutes remaining – a move Talbot credited to the analytics department of the Leafs who calculated their their chance of tying the game improved from 0.05% to 0.07% if they had an additional 40 seconds of 6 vs 5.
MNHL Insider Report — Penguins win 10th Game
By Slob McKenzie, the MNHL Insider
Just like the movie title states March of the Penguins, the MNHL version has continued on their journey to fulfill a 15 year long dream for the Pens Captain. With many obstacles still to overcome this dream season has given many teams nightmares. the latest is the under performing Leafs who need more dressing room motivation than financial at this point in the season. With a more comfortable game time star of 10:30 the well napped Pens were brought to life by trimmed down Center Rich ” Biggest Loser” Wooooooton. His recent palates training session and spiritual coaching has him in top form leading the Penguins offense. In typical choreographed Pens offense an end to end rush with no passing lead to the games first goal catching Dave “Not Bobby” Orr off guard and deflating the Leafs. With another rush from the Pens D, a common theme throughout the evening Orr left open the short side which Captain Collett exploited to send the Pens up by 2.
Undaunted by this seemingly insurmountable lead the Leafs regrouped and started to pressure the stubborn pens who refused to break. Late into the first period a costly give away in the Penguins zone ended up on the stick of sharp shooter Brian “White Mitts” Thomson, The softest pair of hands the leafs have to offer. 1st period ends 2-1 Pens.
The game resumed with the Penguins pressing the Leafs and get a fortuitous bounce that sneaks past a frustrated Orr restoring the Pens 2 goal lead. Leafs refused to quit and applied relentless pressure on Penguins with numerous chances thwarted by Shill who’s trapper was tested on multiple occasions. A net front stance taken by Leafs biggest offensive threat (LBS that is) Snyder was in Shills kitchen with pastry chef Mike O’Niel trying to dust off the winger. With a few face washed exchanged both players exchanged pleasantries and retreated to their benches without further incident.
With the new net front presence distraction the Leafs looked to tie the game with a blast from their D. Unfortunately the seldom enforced slap shot rule took precedence and the goal called back – angering an already agitated Leafs forward, previously referenced as their biggest offensive threat, who took matters into his own hands and gingerly worked his way up the ice hoping that no one would displace the puck from him. Bouncing off a few Pens players like a Plinko chip the attack worked and Snyder found a gap in the Pens D to launch a hail mary into the back of the net….. and yes this time the goal counted.
With the game now 3-2 Pens the Leafs continued to press, a bit too hard as Shill was accidentally run over by Leafs forward, good thing it wasn’t Snyder. The ensuing Pens powerplay was shut down by the Leafs which brought new life.
With 10 minutes remaining an unnamed brain dead Pens captain was ejected for rough play that resulted in a 7 minute Leafs advantage. Shill was outstanding in net as the Leafs dominated play but were unable to bend the twine so valiantly defended by all Pens. empty net goal by O’Niel ended the night for the Leafs who were left wondering if they only had Geoff Curphey would things have turned out differently.
Only time will tell.
Whalers 3 Bruins 1
A close battle from start to finish, the Whalers jumped out to a 1 goal lead with a top shelf rocket (the little wrapped candy not the space ship kind) from El’ Presidente Scott Cortese.
The Bruins tied it up before Scotty Duncan of the Green Fish took the baton from Vinny C and did a complete 180 degree wrap around the net before firing top cheese for a 2-1 Whalers lead.
Bummer had an empty netter to add some insurance – but more to pad his stats – to give the Whalers the 3-1 win.
Bruins returned to the dressing room to sharpen the harpoon in anticipating of a rematch and discuss the upcoming annual Rod Mitchell Christmas Extravaganza including starting up the coveted Massage Chair rotation.
MNHL 12 BARS OF CHRISTMAS
4th Annual MNHL 12 Bars of Christmas will take place Thursday December 21st
Join the MNHL Boys as they travel the streets of London attempting (for the 4th time) to visit 12 bars in 1 evening like our Christmas fore-fathers used to do.
Meet at the Richmond Hotel at 7:00 pm and stagger North ending somewhere, sometime. Any and all players are invited.
MNHL CHRISTMAS PARTY
On MONDAY DECEMBER 18th head on down to Marinos after the game for the Annual MNHL League Christmas Party. The league will spring for a couple pitchers and some food for each team.
November 27 Game Reports
Penguins 2 Whalers 1
Jimmy goes off the deep end when the Whalers are unable to score with the goalie pulled to force a tie.
Pregame jocularity was quickly replaced by heated competition as the Green sea giants were out for revenge. Fully recouped from mysterious groin injury Clarke “Wendy” Webster..or Webs to his twitter followers was in no mode for socializing. he was all business as he and fellow line mate Russ Rodriquez were tasked with filling the Pens net after Jimmies pre game lecture. cant really be called coaching because he was reading from a manual about social interaction…not sure what that means. i digress. anyway Webs was rewarded with his extra efforts and deposited the games first goal behind Dean “mix master” Shill. The green attacked in waves as the red rocket Chris “bummer i cant score” Bumbacco was denied on numerous occasions. frustrated with his play Chris was resigned to passing to capable forward Scott “top cheese” Cortese who is still trying to master skating with his shiny new skates. you’d think after a month they’d look broken in but no, looks as fresh as the day they left the store. Scott was also in a generous mood laying out passes to his D men who were sent saucer passes that resembled waste high freebie tosses from a 4 year old.
The Penguins responded with consistent and steady play from their forwards led by Ernie “Lucky Charm” Tell. Only Penguin on the roster to remain undefeated despite minus 50 rating. with only 3 D dressed for this important game the normally defensive minded group were seen on many occasions jumping into the play and creating offensive changes on Shawn “Bone Cracker” Martin. with persistent pesky pens pressure the game was tied on a fortuitous bounce which knotted the game at 1.
Frustrated by the relentless pressure applied by Mike Marquis, Mike James was forced into penalty trouble as he accidentally on purpose rubbed out Marquis in the side boards. fortunately for the Whalers the 3 minute minor was killed off and the game remained tied.
numerous chances by both teams were thwarted by stellar goal tending with Martin looking for new clients and he used his goal stick to trip up players none of which resulted in booking appointments to his clinic
a late rush by Pens D Jeff Conway(getting way too much ice time) dangled around the tired Whalers D and potted the go ahead go sending Jimmie retreating to the dressing room to check on something.
with less than 3 minutes on the clock and even less on the curfew whalers pull their goalie and pressure the Pens. all for not, Shill stands tall and Pens pull out the win.
Post game interview with Coach McCormick was useless as he was stuffing his face with pizza…good pizza…not that stuff they give away at Marinos. well that’s what Jimmie said
Blair proudly struts thru the lobby like a peacock as his baby blue birds remain in top spot in the MNHL with another 2 point take down.
Red Wings 7 Bruins 5
Balanced scoring was the story for the Red Wings.
Wings goals from Joe Skufca (back from the IR), Andrew Caruthers, Mike Remington, Big Blair Alton, Jeff Stokley, Brad Nickle and Adam Cleland put the Wings ahead on the score sheet.
All 4 Red Wings D-Men scored, possibly a first for the MNHL.
Leafs 15 Kings 3
Leafs jump out early and don’t stop till morning.
A 3 goal performance from Matt Snyder and a couple goals from other guys helped the Leafs win the game. Basically when Snyder got his 2nd goal he stopped caring about anything and was 100% laser focused on completing the hat trick.
Kevin Rupple had 4, John Lierman had multiple, Joe Regnier had a beauty and the Leafs D shut down Adam Foulon who abandoned all back checking responsibilities at the 34 minute mark of the 1st.
Kings look to bounce back with the return of King Henry next week.
Leafs struggle after the game when they relaize they locked the keys in the dressing room. The Rink Rat comes to the rescue with the bolt cutters… bill on route to President Cortese.
November 20th Game Reports
Penguins 5 Red Wings 3
Red Wings blow a 3 goal lead and fall to the mighty Pens despite goals from Adam Cleland, Super Spare Talbot Stevens and returning Captain Joe Skufca.
Battle of Birthday Boys…Pens netminder out dueled Red Wings intimidating D Man Blair “Chara” Alton in battle for birthday bragging rights. Shill was up to his usual self flashing the catchers mitt often. too often for Altons liking as he had nothing to show for his scoring efforts. he was gifted a few top of the slot give aways which he was unable to bury. i’m guessing Mrs Chara had better gifts to offer up on this milestone birthday for Big Blair. For Dean it was another free Apple music down load, new music from the Grey Cup halftime sweetheart Shinia Twain. Also on Dean’s wish list is the dog sled that brought out the megastar
Red Wings short couple Clelands. Adam looked a bit out of sorts without his dependable wingers to help break through the Penguins Ice solid D. Andrew has been enjoying too much warm retirment while Evan was deported to Windsor due to shoty play. we’ll look for the Wings to rebound when the Cleland roster in back in tack
Speaking of Roster moves. Red Wings activate Joe SKufka off injured reserve. with his first game against the Pens under his belt and surviving the bumps and bruises dished out by the Pens Joe looks to up his game and his anger level. he only complained about the ref once and being knocked down in the Pens crease a couple times. i’m sure that patience wont last long and well see the real Joe out this week
Whalers 8 Leafs 3
Whalers score early and often on route to a convincing 8-3 win over the Leafs – who are falling in the wrong direction.
Whalers goalie Shawn “Dream Crusher” Martin makes glorious save after glorious save and “Wendell” Clarke Webster showed the hand-eye coordination of a young Asian ping pong player by knocking at least 3 pucks out of mid-air.
Could a trip to the Shanghai Over 35 Ping Pong Championships be on his Christmas list? probably not… but maybe…
Captain Talbot at a loss for words while Whalers leader Jimmy “Spare Rules are Only Suggestions” McCormick was never at a loss to add in his post-game comments, finding his way into the Leafs dressing room to gloat and scavenge for food.
After the game Leafs forward Matt Snyder was verbally assaulted by a drunk and disillusion fan in the lobby.
Bruins 6 Kings 5
The Kings faced off against the Bruins with a black cloud hanging over Hollywood’s team due to captain Henry Verbakel being away for the first of two straight games. King Henry claimed to be embarking on a motorcycle trip to Nevada and California. However, sources say he was going to be meeting with Playboy big-wigs in Beverly Hills to discuss the Casanova running the Playboy mansion after the recent passing of Hugh Hefner.
Henry thought about calling John “Missing in Action” McArthur to spare but backtracked upon remembering Johnny had stiffed him the week before. No other top level spare was found so the Kings went into the contest behind the eight ball.
The Bruins came out playing scared after captain “Tiny” Tim Gibson, normally very stoic, blew a gasket a la John Tortorella during the warm-up for a very nonchalant effort. The explosion and stick-banging was so loud that the Whalers-Leafs tilt on Pad A was halted temporarily until the disturbance ended.
Unbeknownst to Tim, half of the Bruins players had fallen asleep in the dressing pre-game as the Zamboni driver had apparently done the same and didn’t have the ice ready nearly on time. Chuck “Chucky Doll” Parker decided to direct an extensive stretching session upon hitting the ice that only increased the feeling of sedation.
When Tim realized he and Chris Higgins were the only ones skating around after five minutes and goalie Craig “The Professor” Dunbar was texting while sitting in the crease, Tiny lost it.
The Bruins peppered the Kings’ new goalie with a barrage of shots early on but couldn’t bulge the twine. With frustration building, the Bruins finally broke through on a goal about 10 minutes in by Adam Fremeth. Then soon after, Bruins right-winger Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft put one top shelf where grandma keeps the vibrating toys. The Bears went up 3-0 fairly quickly and looked to have the upper hand but no lead, especially in the talent-packed MNHL, is ever safe.
Within a few minutes, mainly due to a couple of goals by Kings’ right-winger Andrew Sharpe – one on a hard low-corner shot and the other from a bad angle – LA had tied it 3-3.
Boston got one from grizzled veteran Higgins to go ahead 4-3 and the Bruins added another to make the score 5-3 with about four minutes left.
Then things got very interesting and more tense than Donald Trump before his psychiatric assessment. A couple of Kings (no Kings player could be reached to provide names of goal scorers prior to press time) scored for LA within a minute to tie it up.
Thankfully, Bruins’ Brandon Schaufele revived a wilting Bruins squad by knocking in a rebound close in to make it 6-5 with approximately 2.5 minutes to go.
With two minutes left and Dunbar under a relentless attack in the Bruins’ cage, the ref called Boston’s Bob Andersen for delay of game after the net was knocked off its moorings. Andersen denied ever doing it, but to no avail.
The Bruins hung on by their fingernails and successfully killed off the penalty, taking home two points for the win.
MNHL Inside Report
By MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie
King Henry’s call out for A replacement to unreliable Johnny ” pickled” Mcarther, had Henry scrambling when Johnny bailed last minute.
With little time to waste Henry found replacement and dressed 2 players with the same jersey number. Fortunately the only person in the arena confused with the number selection was Jimmy “Gene Simmons” McCormick who was scrambling to find Henry’s call up in his mysterious clip board.
Still trying to figure out if Jimmie is carrying this attache to haul around his last will and testament or if its the Honey Due list from his mom. This folder rarely leaves Jimmies possession and only opened to track down give away by Commissioner Cortese
Bruins blow out of Leafs has Tim Gibson contemplating tweaking his line up with much needed A player. It seems like the 11-3 punishment of the Leafs has Tim in better spirits and enjoying the extra ice time. We’ll see if an A player gets the tap for a reinvigorated Bruins line up next week.
MNHL All Stars…
Niagara Falls MNHL all stars represented the forest city over the weekend.
With only one win to show for their efforts, Commission Cortese was left wondering if these were really all stars or just a collection of best fits willing to sacrifice some pride for a weekend away with the boys.
The only thing certain for this team was an early retirement from the bar scene for Johny “i cant feel my face” Mcarthur who was escorted out of yet another drinking establishment. More news on this eventful weekend will surface as flashbacks from the weekend unfold.
November 13 Game Reports
Penguins 5 Kings 3
Kings late addition still not enough to push over Pens
With another early game start time that seems to disrupt the Pens offence the baby blue where able to post an early 3-0 lead led by leading rookie candidate Jeff Conway.
His stealth play and canonizing snap shot helped the Pens push back the aggressive kings lead by pick pocket-er Murray Pratt. Pens usually dependable D man(do we really need to point out the guilty candidate- OK IT WAS ME-Captian Collett) was pressured by onslaught of Kings forwards coughed up the puck to Pratt who went one on one with Shill. needless to say when Pratt beat goaltender Shill he was non to happy with his D.
Another unusual mishap at Pens blue line resulted in another give away which Kings capitalize on and brought the Kings within one. after pep talk on the bench the Pens lead by recent trio of MNHL niagara falls all stars, Wooooooton, Duffy and Smith found the chemistry they developed at the Falls and delivered 2 more tallies to give the pens some breathing room.
Late addition and mystery D man call up by King Henry was rewarded with late goal energizing the Kings giving hope for a late comeback. with 3 minutes left on the clock the curfew buzzer rang out to the dismay of the surging Kings.
Bruins 11 Leafs 3
In the most straight forward game report in MNHL history, the Leafs sucked and the Bruins were awesome.
Between 3 and 8 goals from spare Murray Pratt and some highway robbery from Craig Dunbar left the Leafs contemplating their place in the league after last nights 1 sided affair.
When asked about the execution of the Leafs last night, Captain Talbot said “I’m all for it”
Talbot at one point benched himself from defense. Snyder at many points benched him self from back checking.
After the game many Leafs were re-introduced to their goalie David Orr who may or may not have cried in the corner of the dressing room post game.
Red Wings 8 Whalers 5
With Adam missing, younger brother Evan Cleland picked up the slack with 3 goals for the Red Wings and dad Andy chipped 1 in himself on route to an 8-5 win for the Wings.
Blair Alton, Frank Erle and Andrew Caruthers each had 1 for the Wings as well and Syl Pepe had his 1st career MNHL goal.
The Red Wings bounced back after last weeks massive defeat to the Leafs.
MNHL Tournament Report
This past weekend the MNHL All Stars travelled to Niagara Falls to participate in an international high stakes hockey tournament.
While the All Stars were defeated on the ice, reports indicate they won at the Hooters post game.
MNHL Commissioner Scott Cortese was even seen attempting to recruit new players.. could expansion into the Niagara region be in the MNHL future?
November 6 Game Reports
Leafs 10 Red Wings 5
Smelling an opportunity to move from second from the bottom to second in the
standings, the Leafs feasted, Thanksgiving-style, on the Wings last night.
Red Wings star Adam Cleland shows up in time for the 2nd period but the Leafs score early and often.
Kevin Rupple gorged himself with 4 goals, with Kevin Noble, John Lierman, and Geoff Curphey each double dipping by scoring twice.
The puck was in the Wings’ zone so long at times, that Orr, the Leafs’ goalie, found time to cook up some pulled pork to enjoy after the game to celebrate the victory.
Afterwards Snyder received a text from an unknown Leaf letting him know the league is now moving to Argyle Arena. Snyder has his suspicious that this may be a ploy by the team to have him miss more games, but none the less, will report to Argyle next week.
Penguins 4 Bruins 1
Bob Andersen didn’t score… Bruins lose. Simple report….
After giving up 9 to the Pens in the first meeting between these two, only surrendering 4 felt like a huge victory to Dunbar. Plus he stopped Wotton on one of his 3 breakaways!!!
Bruins were short staffed having a couple of late cancellations (the Leafs – Golden Knights post game show was too good to miss!) so big Tim enlisted Brad Nickle and Kevin Rupple. The Bruins really appreciated their help especially since Kevin risked not getting the pulled pork sandwiches provided by the Leafs (Saint Jimmy saved some for our two relievers thankfully).
While their speed helped (even after playing for 90 min) the Pens D was a wall and the few times the Bruins broke through Dean ‘the thrill’ Shill was almost impenetrable. Only big Tim managed to score on a laser low blocker side.
The only scary moment of the game was when Mike O’Neill went down at mid ice complaining of a cracking sound in his neck. After a few minutes down he was able to get up. After a bit of icing he even made his way to Marino’s for some real recovery (that’s taking mandatory Marino’s night seriously!).
We all hope all is okay!
Penguins back to wining ways with 4-1 win over the Bruins.
Bruins still searching for A player replacement called up Kevin Rupple to fill the void. having just played the prior game and filled the net in a dominating win over the Red Wings, Rupple was held off the score sheet as Penguins D shut down the Bruins. some crisp passing by well coach Pens had them on the board early with Rich Wooooooooton finding the back of the net.
Aggressive fore-checking continued to bottle up the Bruins creating numerous chances that were denied by Dunbar and his trusty mitt. the Pens went up by two when sure handed and recent skate upgraded Steve Boone feathered a shot over Dunbar who was expecting another disk in the webbing of his catching glove. with the Pens seemingly in control of the game Penguins untimely turnover late in first period allowed Timmie two tonne shot, Gibson, to bury a wrister past Shill, who escaped without injury
Speaking of injuries a mid ice collision between two MNHL veterans, Mike O’Neil and Brad Nickle resulted in a premature call out to off ice duty official with 911 speed dial at the ready Jim steady hands McCormick, miss-dialed the number and called his Uber taxi instead (I think its actually his Mom). When the dust settled Nickle was ignored and slumped back to his bench while a collection of Pens and Bruins gathered for prayer session around the injured Penquin. Looked like feeding time at Marineland. O’Neil was helped off the ice and game resumed with a late goal by Rich Woooooooooton solidifying the win
All good on the injury front, both participants were later seen at Marino’s retelling there story which nobody really cared about.
Whalers 7 Kings 4
crushed the jewels from it!
lump to show for it.
shrapnel all over the ice while Murray Pratt circled to the left the whole game because he hasn’t learned how to turn to his right yet, or he lost an edge but that doesn’t sound as good.Mandatory Marinos was a solid success once again, clearing out at 2:30 am…a lot of half ass production going on out there right now by the MNHL’ers, who like days of old, have day jobs to supplement their hockey careers.
October 30 Game Reports
Leafs 3 Penguins 2
Game Report… in Poem Form….
Leafs were hungry tonight and not just for the food.
They wanted to beat the Pens, Blair said that would be rude.
But Talbot don’t care. No Talbot don’t worry.
“That big win is coming, it will arrive in a hurry”
The ref wasn’t interested, in calling off sides.
Dean started to argue, Deans game started to slide.
The Leafs sure were tryin’. Kevin Rupple was flyin’.
Joe had the game winner. A beauty, no lyin’
The Leafs lead 3-2. Penguins don’t know what to do.
Blair starts rushing the puck. Wotton jumps up to.
The Pens better hurry…. Trying to tie it with a flurry?
OH NO… THE REF ENDS THE GAME ONE MINUTE EARLY!
Leafs celebrate with glee. Penguins are un-happy
Talbot calls another penalty, he was basically tonight’s referee.
Leafs 3 Penguins 2… The Losers Version
Breaking News – Productive Pens grounded after historical MNHL start
After a 5 game undefeated streak and lots of rumors regarding pending trades the Penguins were brought back down to ice as the yet to be turned Leafs outlasted the persistent Pens 3-2.
Penguins looked to be continuing with their winning ways with early goal by dominate D man Jeff beating Leafs Goalie Dave “Not Bobby” Orr low stick side to stake Pens to early lead.
The quick start did not deflate the short handed Leafs who were counting on call ups to bolster a depleted bench. Not sure if that was due to Leafs post game food menu or just a general lack of enthusiam to play the league leading Pens.
Leafs were determined to even the score and take advantage of poor officiating from a rogue Ref who was mysteriously missing his refereeing credential badge from his uniform. A few marginal calls that looked like blatant off sides were hotly disputed by Pens net minder Dean” i can hear you with these 2 stanley cup rings in my…… oh wait no those are just ear buds from his 1980’s sony walkman” Shill.
The Leafs were not distracted by these outburst and continued to crash the net, which apparently was dislodged prior to the Leafs tying goal. A claim later confirmed by acting on ice official Talbot Stevens, as a good goal, while coaching the ref during the whole proceedings.
Leafs continued to pressure the frustrated Pens who were still baffled by the officiating which was reported better than last week, by unknown Leaf player, well we actually do know but whatever, which the Leafs coincidentally lost 3-2. I would be complaining about that reffing too
Leafs go ahead with some nifty stick handling by sure handed Rumple, as he deposited shot behind Shill with Matt Snyder looking on with disbelief – or it could have been exhaustion and he was trying to keep up to Kevin the whole game.
Leafs make is a 2 goal lead, again probably due to offside that was missed but this didn’t phase the Pens who were mounting a come back but ran into penalty trouble after Pens forward Mike Marquis was molested in the corner and tried to extradite himself from the clutches of Geoff Curphey accidentally clipped him with high stick which Talbot was quick to point out.
With the Pens one man down, Pens D in an attempt to ice the puck was called for stick infraction – aka Slap Shot Rule – which after consultation with Ref, Talbot agreed that this was in fact a penalty and put the Penguins down 2 men.
With less than a mintue to play and the crock pot timer going off the ref was confronted by Leafs players(Talbot) to end the game before Jimmie got access to Leafs dressing room to get first dibs on meatball subs.
Final score Leafs 3 Pens 2. Ref big ZERO.
Talbot 10 out of 10 as he did reach out to the Pens players and invited the losers to feast on their spoils for the evening. Only taker was late comer Ernie “smells like KFC” Tell who thought the game was at 10:30 and had to smell like he played hockey before he left the arena.
In other news… Penguins passed on post game beers so they could enjoy some While (aka wine) with their Cheese.
Red Wings 6 vs Kings 4
Wings get 2 goals from Frank “The Tank” Erle, 2 from Adam “Bang Bang” Cleland, 1 from his brother Evan “Ever Night” Cleland and Russel “Don’t sleep on me” Smith pops his 1st of many this year.
No comment from Kings… Henry’s analytics department is currently reviewing the corsi rating of every player on the team in hopes of finding a way to get back in the winners column.
Bruins 8 Whalers 3
Bruins reporter Craig Dunbar reports the score may have been 8 but no signal from the ref on a last second goal, but Craig’s a professor so you know he can’t lie.
The mighty Bruins get their 2nd win of the year and discovered the needed formula for success. As long as Bob “The Dean” Andersen gets a hat trick the Bruins are fine. No pressure Bob…
Other goal scorers for the Bruins included DeJong (1 or 2 depending on whether you count the last one), Schaufele (1) and big Tim who got the Bruins started with 2 early goals. The second would definitely be a goal of the year contender as he flipped in a one handed backhand ‘Crosby style’.
The Whalers perhaps did not take the cellar dwelling Bruins seriously and had an off night. Chris Bumbacco tried to single handedly will the Whalers back into contention with several second period dangles (does he ever get tired?), netting one beauty low blocker side off the post. In spite of stellar offensive efforts by Clark and Chester the hole was too big to dig out.
The best news for the Bruins was not the rare win but rather the arrival of a stocked cooler this week after our dry rehab last Monday. Adam Fremeth definitely nets first star!
LIKE MONEY? DISLIKE WORKING?
Read this important message from Talbot Stevens about your future
“For those who don’t know me, I’m the slow D on the Leafs.
I’m also a financial educator, author, and speaker.
I’ve created a new “MAX your RRSP Strategy“ Blueprint, and I’m looking for investors interested in providing feedback. After discussing one of the blueprint’s ideas with David Chilton, he added a new chapter to his latest book, The Wealthy Barber Returns, to address it.
Combined, the ideas in the blueprint should help typical investors be MUCH more effective at building retirement funds.
Most will see improvements of over 100% from their future savings.
In addition to learning some wealth-building concepts, the feedback group will get a free “MAX your RRSP” spreadsheet to quantify how much your RRSP savings can improve.
If you’re interested in being part of the feedback group, let me know.”
October 23 Game Reports
Kings 3 Leafs 2
The Kings show up ready to play except for 1 crucial piece… a goalie!
Mis-communication saw the Royal Ones without a tendy but Scott sprung into action and sent out the “Dean-Signal” so Deaner was on route. The Leafs and Kings decided to scrimmage until DEan showed and then start the official game.
Unfortunately for the Leafs, they won the scrimmage but lost the Main-Event.
After falling behind on a fluke goal off a D-mans skates, the Buds and Kings traded chances but neither could jump ahead and the ugly goal to start the game remained as the decider with a 3-2 Kings victory.
Talbot… is still in tears.
Wings 5 Bruins 1
It was back to the future for the Bruins who brought out Foulon and Noble as Subs.
Things looked good as the Bruins lead 1-0 after the first hour on a strange knuckle ball by Bancroft.
Bruins had many good chances to extend the lead but the Wings tender was a wall.
Nickle opened the wings scoring on his own knuckle ball from the blue line and the floodgates opened for the Wings.
Wings got goals from Alton, Adam Cleland (2) and Nickle (2 for the night).
The Bruins were left with a sour taste of what could have been and to add insult to injury they had no beer after the game (the only serious loss of the evening).
Penguins 6 Whalers 5
Much like a tale of 2 cities… we have a tale of 2 game reports….
The Winner (Blair of the Pens):
Pens Shill stymies Whalers who at times resembled the logo on the Whalers jersey, but did have the oven mitts working overtime
Typically a slow starting team the Pens came out flying (contrary to natural instinct to waddle) with 2 quick goals on some nifty passing from penguins forwards.
Richard Wooooooton, continued his scoring prowess netting 2 with singles going to Dave Rosen and Steve Boone.
With Whalers down 3 their offense kicked into gear with pesky Chris “bummer” Bumbacco leading the charge. His tenacious back checking forced numerous turnovers in the Pens side of center ice(tired legs I guess?) creating numerous scoring chances for the green machine.
Shill was called upon on many occasions thwarting the offensive pressure applied by Bummer and supporting winger, yes just one winger as Scott Cortese was occupied with breaking in new skates and looked like bambie on ice. i guess wearing them in the house all day didnt help and probably scratched up the hardwood flooring
Whalers pressure resulting in consecutive goals to narrow the pens lead to 1 before Jeff Conway injected energy into the pens office with a couple of lazer shots that bent the twin behind Bonecracker Martin.
… have to mention that Clark Webster did score tonight on bad Pens D giveaway. Pens felt sorry for the Wendel as he was trying so hard to score a goal tonight.
Ice time controversy took over at end of the game as Whalers continued to play past the 90 minute curfew. Many Whalers were arguing for more time to even the score which Pens reluctantly obliged. Notably missing from the debate was Commish Cortese who continued to be distracted with his new skates… Not sure if he was cleaning the snow off his blades or rubbing out the skuff marks
The Loser (Scott of the Whalers):
Pens were up 5-1 with their 2 lines vs. Whalers’ 3 lines but slowed down a bit later in the game and the Whalers kept coming within 1 but couldn’t tie it up.
Whalers even tried to shift strategy and tried to take out Dean’s ipod – weren’t sure whether to go for the earbuds or the main unit hidden on the body or just cut the wires with skate blades.
Some Whalers goals by Andrew Bratton, Clark Webster, and Scott Duncan to name a few and Penguins goals by Mike Marquis and a blistering top shelf goal from green helmet guy, Jeff Conway I think.
Domenic was flying down the middle of the ice in the first and ran into a brick wall named Josh Scott which resulted in Domenic leaving the ice in disgust.
The Pens found his jersey on the floor of the dressing room after the game. Will we ever see the Domineister again??
Captain Collett was feeling gracious and allowed an extended 5 minutes at the end of the game but the Whalers couldn’t tie it up with the empty net.
On another note, it was learn to skate night for Cortese with new skates, ouch not a pretty sight!
October 16 Game Reports
Kings 6 Bruins 3
The Bruins had the shot advantage by a large margin but the Kings got the better goaltending according to Bruins goalie Craig Dunbar.
The Bruins gave up multiple breakaways to Kings forward Adam Foulon who took up his usual spot behind the defense – something the Bruins should be aware of as they benefited from it for years – Foulon with 2 on the night.
Andrew Sharpie and Murray Pratt also finished for the Kings.
Chris Bumbacco sparing for the Bruins John MacArthur who seems to have left the league after only 1 game – claiming he didn’t look good in yellow.
The only positive for the Bruins was the arrival of a new baby for Andy Leung – Congratulations Andy!
Pens Won vs Red Wings Lost
3 goals from the Clelands (Adam x 2, Evan x 1) wasn’t enough for the Red Wings who fell to the Pens.
Blair’s game report should arrive sometime between 10:00 am and Friday evening, as Blair isn’t really one for “being on time”…
UPDATE… Blair has awoken and provided this game report, received at 6:19 Tuesday (18 hours and 19 minutes after the fact).
Penguins vs Red Wings saw Cleland Clan enter a new era after enjoying a successful run with perennial cellar dweller Penguins. Pregame jocularity was replaced by amped up energy as the Wings took an early lead over the typical slow starting Penguins.
What did you expect we have web feet (Editors notes: I googled it and this is correct).
Cleland sporting #19 looked the part as he opened the scoring with lazer like precision beating “The Thrill” low glove.
Like the saying goes, Low glove no love ….from the goalie… get it????
Recently found pair of hands by Ernie “Dont” Tell evened the score with a round the horn shot ringing off every piece of metal in the net.
The daunting D pairing of Alton and Carruthers were intimidating the Pens early but relentless pressure applied by Mike Marquis frustrated the Wings D.
Unfortunately for M&M his last dipsidoodle was met by the pair running over the Mike with Alton nervously sitting on top of him asking if his shoulder was OK.
The ensuing power play resulted in go ahead goal by Rich Wooooooooton who’s shocking orange socks have not been worn since the last hockey update, didn’t know he was that sensitive.
Wings succumbing to Pen’s pressure with the score going into period 2 tied at 2
Penguins deep bench pays off as fresh feet on the ice wore out the Wings. Numerous scoring chances were stymied by the Wings tender Patrick “I cant stop smiling” Rodriguez – back from his vacation last week that saw the Wings play with no goalie.
Not to be outdone, numerous defensive turnovers by the usually dependable Pen’s D keep goalie Shill sharp as he bailed out each defencemen who were coughing up the puck like a bad Buckleys commercial.
Honorable mention to Tyler Smith who scored on his 20th shot attempt.
Final score… who cares the Pens are living the dream.
Whalers 5 Leafs 2
Jimmy had his boys flying out of the dressing room and the Leafs were unable to convert chances.
“Wendel” Clarke Webster was a terror for the Leafs, in his beautiful green jersey he went in and out of the Leafs zone like a dollar bill into a strippers g-string.
Shawn Martin was stingy in net for the Big Green Fish, reminiscent of an old man who won’t share his change with the homeless guy on the street.
Leafs D-Man turned offensive power John Lierman had 2 for the buds but it wasn’t enough. Snyder thought he had one late but it turns out he’s as blind as he is slow and lazy and the puck actually hit the far post and bounced out.
Oh Snyder… you are awful!
October 9 Game Reports
Whalers 13 Red Wings 3
Red Wings took one on the chin last night when they arrived at the rink but goalie Patrick Rodriguez was nowhere to be found.
The Whalers smelled blood in the water and jumped out to an early lead pumping 12 goals past the brave but un-equipped Russ Smith who basically stood in the net without equipment and did his best.
The referee decided he had seen enough and found some pads and was able to help salvage a game and with a goalie in net the Wings actually won 3-1 but, this is the MNHL and we’re cut-throat so the final score reads 13-3.
A lesson to everyone… let your captain know if you’re not going to make the game.
Kings vs Penguins
Turn out for Turkey bowl favored the Penguins as King Henry and the round table of 8 were worn down by the Persistent Pens Pressure.
Early goals from the Kings staked them to a 2-0 lead before the gravy dried off of Dean “The Thrill” Shills jersey.
Pens relentlessly attacked lead by returning Vet Dom Cuzzocrea, aka Hattie, who found the net 3 times on his return to MNHL from a long rested summer vacation – looks like the extra skates with Junior is paying off.
Kings Roof Daddy Adam Foulong showed no presence of Tryptophan as he carved through the ice and ripped a shot over the greasy oven mitt of Shill.
Kings lead by 2 with 35 minutes to go – but wait that’s too long for the short staffed Kings.
Henry plea bargains for shorter second half due to poor turnout he blames on turkey. Ref seems confident of time and slaps up another 35 minutes which motivated the Penguins squad, who had a full turn out on Turkey day and showed no compassion for the Kings.
Rich “Garbage Goal” Wooton – not to be outdone by the crafty vet Cuzzocrea – went hard to the net and was rewarded not once, not twice but 3 times with three crappy shovel the garbage into the back of the net goals.
With the Kings dejected by the onslaught from the ice turkeys, the Pens wore out the Kings in the second half for a 6-4 win.
After the game many Kings players were seen bent over in dejection, not sure if they were coughing up a lodged turnkey bone or just fatigued from the game. Pens are happy to report the defibrillator remained behind glass ready for next years gravy battle.
Bruins 2 Leafs 2
Quite the defensive battle by a couple of goalies with something to prove. Dunbar fresh off a 9-1 waxing last week shows the Bruins he’s not ready for the dumpster yet while the Leafs Orr still sour over a 0-0 tie during his absence 2 weeks ago urges the Leafs to play solid D and they respond – kind of.
Leafs controlled a good chunk of the early play before the Bruins get a lucky one on a fat rebound.
Dunbar was solid despite being challenged all game – by both shots and Snyders big old booty in his face for a good portion of the game.
Bruins already down players skated with 9 including super sub Cleland in place of the Unicorn John MacArthur. Big Tim steady’s the game on the back end.
Lierman, Rupple, Noble and Curphey provide all the offensive chances the Leafs could muster but Dunbar was sharp – he’s likely still angry over some inappropriate comments made at Westerns Fake Homecoming about his marking practices on a finance paper.
Give the kid an “A” Craig… have a heart.
MNHL INSIDER REPORT
By Slob McKenzie
Looks like Pens Goalie Shill is still on fire after losing his iPod following the previous MNHL game.
A GAA of 2.00 was suggesting Dean was being dangled as trade bait – but no takers. Not so fast MNHL Insiders, his game is about to weaken as he’ll be distracted by having to change CD’s on his new (vintage) Sony Discman.
Dean is storing his CD’s on the bench and constantly asking his D-Men for new play list – very distracting for all so the Pens GAA is bound to suffer.
Full bench of players could be the unraveling of the Penguins current win streak as Dom Cuzzocrea aka Cuzzman is back from hiatus and looking for extra ice time.
To much Turkey could be his undoing as too much Tryptophan could set in on the back check.
October 2 Game Reports
Whalers: Lots Kings: Less
From the sounds emanating from the lobby, the Whalers were giving the Kings one hell of a whooping. Jimmy frantically willed his Mean Green Hockey Machine to “shoooooooooooooooooooooooooot the puuuuuuuuuuuuck” and shoot it they did.
No specific details of the game because Jimmy was 8 beers in and couldn’t remember anyones name, but the Whalers come away with 2 valuable points in what is turning out to be a close first month of MNHL action.
Leafs 5 Red Wings 1
After a fluky goal that put the Wings up 1-0 the Leafs said “f**k this s**t” and decided to control the puck the the rest of the 80 minute game.
Kevin Rupple had 2 fantastic goals and newcomer John Lierman went bar down on Wings goalie Patty Rods.
The Cleland line had a bunch of chances but couldn’t find the back of the net. Rumors are that Poppa Andy might have grounded the boys after one of them missed a wide open net. Here’s hoping those 3 don’t heat up soon – could be trouble for the rest of the MNHL.
Wing were down a bunch of guys due to injuries, Leafs were up a bunch of guys due to none of them skate hard enough to get hurt.
Penguins 9 Bruins 1
Dunbar sent me a 3:00 am text with the score that strangely smelled like Sambuca thru the phone, in what we can only guess was an attempt to “drink this one away” for the big bad Bruins.
I’m not sure what’s worse, getting pounded 9-1 or having to listen to Blair talk about it all night at Marino’s after.
September 25 Game Reports
Penguins 0 Leafs 0
In what could be described as both an AMAZING display of goal tending and a DISGUSTING display of offensive hockey, the Pens and Leafs managed to stumble to a 0-0 tie game that saw both teams combine for 2 shots and 0 scoring chances of quality.
Some of the boys commented that it was the first 0-0 tie in the 35 year MNHL history, which if true, further compounds the futility of the performance.
After the game comments such as “what the f**k did I just participate in?” or “I can’t believe I wasted an hour of my life for that” and “Are we really that shitty at hockey” could be heard coming from both teams.
When the referee was asked to comment on the skill level of the game, he only laughed before shaking his head and walking away in disgust.
Great games from Pens goalie Dean “The Thrill” Shill and King turned Leaf for a night Scott Bannister who both closed the door several times.
SPECIAL PENS vs LEAFS GAME ANALYSIS
By MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie
- Pen’s offense and beer guy takes the night off as defense is the primary focus of the game.
- Dean “Still the Thrill” Shill was called upon numerous times to keep the game close as the Pens were unable to muster up any offense.
- New comer Colin Duffy still trying to figure out Remind app was being cursed by teammates for not showing up to game leaving questions about his commitment to the team. Colin was responsible for post game refreshments and not showing up was not sitting well with team captain Collett.
- Leaving the ice dejected after 0-0 draw teammates were overjoyed to see Colin in the lobby which made up for deflated game score.
- A number of Leafs were later seen suiting up for depleted Red Wings squad.
- Usually reliable point getter Matt Snyder was one of the Leafs tapped for double duty remarked that Pens game was only his warm up but was completely gassed after 2nd shift for the Wings.
- Wings Captain turned Joe Skufka was seen hobbling around rink lobby cursing his team for lack of commitment and having to pick up spares like Snyder.
Bruins 4 vs Whalers 3
The Whalers built an impressive 3-1 lead lead by a beautiful set up from Chris Bumbacco on a two on one with a nice back door pass.
Savy Vet Steve Adams swept a backhand shot off the post for the third Whalers goal and it looked like night night for the Bruins.
The TSN turning point may have been a missed opportunity by the “El Presidente” on another great backdoor pass where Scott Cortese fanned on the tip in facing a wide open net.
The Bruins needed all the time in this 90 minute affair to mount their comeback.
“The Dean” Bob Andersen scored three including a great bar down redirection and a shorthanded goal after stealing the puck behind the Whaler’s net.
“The Coach” Chris Higgins capped the comeback by burying a rebound late to give the Bruins the 2 points.
Red Wings 4 Kings 2
The Wings jumped out early thanks to Adam Cleland working a bank shot from the side that may or may not have gone off dad Andy.
Cleland gets his 2nd in short order and the Wings never gave up the lead.
Late in the game Poppa Cleland says “not so fast son, anything you can do your old man can do better” and scores one of his own before grounding Adam for trying to show him up, Adam says “but I’m a 35 year old man, you can’t ground me”… We suspect that one got settled at home.
Kings newcomer Jeremy Morehouse makes a great impression on his new squad by forgetting his pants for game 1, I guess that’s one way to keep expectations low early in the season. He got supplied a pair and played a steady game in the back end.
Late in the game Kings captain Henry “Hank” Verbakel units the law firm of “Pratt, Verbakel and Foulon” but their motion to pass a goal is denied by the Judge and they are forced to pay costs to the Wings in the form of 2 points in the standings…. those were legal references for the laymans.
Red Wings Win… Case Dismissed!
September 18 Game Report
The smell of hockey is in the air. Musty jerseys, stinky gloves and the beautiful aroma of tape to tape passes. MNHL is back in action.
Red Wings 6 Bruins 1
Games kicked off at 10:00 with the Bruins taking on the Red Wings. Wings Captain Joe Skufca calls on the Power of 3… 3 Clelands that is and is able to fly out of the gate with a 6-1 win.
Ol’ Dunbar must have had 1 eye on the Monday Night Football game – maybe the Bruins miss Foulon more then they figured, but probably not.
A close game for a while until the Wings potted 4 in the last 10 minutes which is actually a moral victory for Dunbar who usually allows 8+ in the first week as he plays himself into “game shape”.
Kings 6 Leafs 5
Henry’s million dollar team jumped out to a wide lead after 20 minutes of back and forth (a lot of forth, not much back) play.
Henry gets an early 1 to break the seal… The ladies in the stands go wild.
Kings off season free-agent pick up Adam Foulon flew around in his black jersey looking young and spry. Black is slimming after all.
When asked about the transition to the Kings after a career in Bruins Yellow, Foulon noted that he just went where the money was when he signed that big free agent contract – when reminded that free agent contracts were against MNHL rules Foulon backtracked before going home to his brand new 5 bedroom house with the “Sold by Henry” sign on the front lawn… The MNHL is investigating.
Leafs start the come back around the 50 minute mark eventually bringing it back to within 1 but the rink rat hit the curfew button on the Leafs with 50 seconds left on the clock and a tying goal inevitable.
Only 1 game in and we almost had our first ejection of the season when Snyder came close to throwing a hay-maker after getting held on the play only to realize it was Henry grabbing him from behind… Verbakel has no idea how close he came to getting karate chopped by the XXL Leafs “Power” Forward.
Rumblings in the Kings ranks already when it was reported that they didn’t have beer in the room after the game. WTF Henry… WTF?
Penguins 3 Whalers 1
Close game that saw the score 2-1 Pens late and the Whalers buzzing to tie, but an empty netter with seconds remaining ended Jimmy’s dream of an opening night victory.
Penguins looking to rebound from last years poor play off performance and grudge match against demoted Leaf and new Whaler Star “Wendell” Clark Webster.
The Resident MNHL Goon Blair Collett found a crack in Shawn “The Bone Cracker” Martin’s armour to put Pen’s up by 1 early in the contest… hey even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.
Lots of summer rust was displayed by both squads as goaltenders stole the show with numerous breakaway saves. Remember, back checking is only a suggestion in the MNHL. Only Scott “El Presidente” Cortese was in mid-season form in his first game with the Mean Green Whaling Machine against his old team the Baby Blue Birds.
The Whalers got message from McCormick to pull the goalie late in the game, probably a bit too late as Jimmie was too busy socializing and not paying attention to clock.
Rich Wotton wearing the incognito orange socks was lighting it up again setting up Marquis with a pass for an open net goal but the pass was more like a dump in. The puck eventually found the back of the net at the buzzer which was hottly contested but by the time the video review came back the game was already over and the Zamboni on his 3rd lap
Best news of the night no injuries to report and great turn out at Marino’s. Here’s hoping Jimmie didnt go home with Super Women.
During the post game press conference Jimmy was asked for some details on the game but he only responded with a pretty insulting profanity filled rant and then passed out in the corner so I have no idea how the Whalers took the loss.
MNHL Insider Report
By MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie – September 18th
Rumors out of the Penguins camp are suggesting that Power Forward Tyler Smith could miss the season opener with a mysterious “total body” injury i.e. his “total body” is in another province.
Hopefully for the Pens it’s not his night to bring the beer – stay tuned for developments.
2017 MNHL TEAM PREVIEW
BURNING QUESTIONS FOR EACH TEAM IN 5 WORDS
By the MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie – September 14th
Bruins… Did Dunbar stretch this summer?
Kings… Can Henry buy another Championship?
Leafs… Should Leafs eat before faceoff?
Penguins… Who’s turn to forget beer?
Red Wings… Sleeper pick for MNHL Cup?
Whalers… Will Jimmy survive year 2?
MNHL DRAFT / MNHL NEWS
September 6, 2017
The lights were bright in Los Angeles as the 2017 MNHL Draft took place last night.
Was it L.A.? Or was it Jimmy’s kitchen? Basically the same thing if you ask me…
The buzz on the street was the league wide re-drafting of the MNHL. New friendships created – old rivalry’s re-kindled – Jimmy still arguing every decision.
The league was split into groups of players of equal ability and experience to ensure that each team was as close to balanced as possible.
The shake-up was evident in the first round when the bingo balls fell and the Bruins Triple Threat of Foulon / Dunbar / Gibson was… SPLIT UP?
“Breaking Up… Is Hard to Do….”
Adam Foulon to the KINGS!!!!!!!! Henry rejoiced “Now I don’t have to chase that bastard around” he said (no swearing Henry… Jimmys mom is upstairs)
Up Next, the Red Wings selected the Cleland Family.
Kevin Rupple goes to the Leafs… Jimmy Cries in the corner…
Skip forward a few rounds… Penguins Captain Blair “The Goon” Collett selects Mike Marquis “I think I slashed that guy last year” he says. Penguins select Tyler Smith… Blair comments “I KNOW I slashed that guy last year”. Penguins select Rich Wotton… Blair comments “I think that guy slashed ME last year”
And thus is life in the MNHL: The guy you slash today could be your teammate tomorrow!
The draft continued until all players except Matt Snyder were selected. The captains then had a draw to see who would end up with Matt Snyder… Talbot lost.
Talbot asks Snyder “Have you been working out?”
Snyder replies “No but I have been eating more”
– Heated race to draft Rod Mitchell – not only for his expert defensive play but for the annual Mitchell Christmas party and use of his massage chair
– Talbot selects Matt Snyder in the last round after commenting that he would take anyone except for Matt Snyder… The hockey gods work in mysterious ways Talbot
– After all of the mixing and matching, Craig Dunbar ends up back in the Bruins yellow. Some things are just meant to be I guess.
LEAGUE STARTS SEPTEMBER 18th
September 6, 2017
10:00 – Bruins vs Red Wings
10:30 – Leafs vs Kings
11:00 – Penguins vs Whalers
MANDATORY MNHL MONDAYS AT MARINOS
September 6, 2017
A fine suggestion from Pens Captain Blair Collett last night at the draft was voted on and approved by the Board of Governors:
The first Monday of every month is “Mandatory MNHL Mondays at Marinos”
After the games, head to Marinos for a drink and some wings and mingle with the rest of the boys in the league.
See old friends and meet the new guys.
Stay for 1 or (if you’re the Penguins) Stay for a few. It’s not really mandatory but you can tell your wife it is!
MNHL SEASON TO START EARLIER
August 1, 2017
The league will confirm shortly that the
MNHL season will start 2 weeks earlier on
September 18th at Carling.
That’s 2 extra skates this season but 2 less weeks of
MNHL DRAFT DATE SET
The MNHL Draft Date is scheduled for Tuesday Sept 5th.
This league the MNHL will dump the entire league into a blender and mix it up with – what should become an annual event – an entire league roster draft – all players are eligible.
Remember that guy you slashed last winter? Will he be your new teammate?
Remember that guy who deeked you out of your jock? Will he be your new winger?
Stay tunes for the results.
MNHL BACK TO 90 MINUTE GAMES in 2017-2018
Commissioner Scott Cortese recently confirmed that the MNHL will move to 90 minute games in time for the start of the 2017-2018 season.
The league rosters will increase from 10 to 12 players per team and games will now start at 9:00, 10:00 or 10:30.