KINGS ARE 2017 MNHL CUP CHAMPIONS
2017 Final Standings
Kings 3 Bruins 2 (OT)
In an amazing MNHL Championship the Kings defeated the Bruins 3-2 in OT to capture their 1st MNHL Cup.
In a game between the top 2 teams in the league, both squads looked focused and primed for some great old time hockey.
After 20 minutes of back and forth tough, defensive hockey the Kings opened the scoring with 25 minutes left when Chris Bumbacco took a loose puck from his blue line and caught the Bruins on a change, using his above average speed to skate in on Bruins goalie Craig Dunbar before finding the back of the net.
Shortly after, Bruins sniper Adam Foulon was taken down on a break away and rewarded with a… PENALTY SHOT. Alas, Adam was unable to score. You can check out this super disappointing attempt at a penalty shot below in our live MNHL Video.
Bumbacco got his 2nd with 19 minutes left on a scramble in front to put the Kings up 2-0. It looked all but over for the Bruins… or was it?
Bruins get on the board with 13 minutes left on another playoff like scramble in front to make it 2-1.
Minutes before the final buzzer, the Bruins would tie it and after a frantic final 2 minutes the buzzer would sound and send the game into sudden death 3 on 3 overtime.
3 on 3 sounds exciting, unless it’s played between a bunch of old guys who aren’t allowed to change at the whistle. A couple of chances but mostly some patient puck control from the Bruins, it looked like this game would go to a shoot out.
With just over a minute left, the Kings blocked a shot and turned around on the attack, a 2 on 0. The play looked to be off side, was it? The Bruins said yes, the Referee said no, the fans would be torn down the middle. Kings forward Dave Bancroft shoots and the rebound is smacked in by Rich Wotten making the Kings your 2017 MNHL Cup Champions.
A tough loss for the Bruins on such a close play at the blue line. But quite honestly an amazing game between 2 great teams. Bruins captain Tim Gibson, initially upset over the non call calms his team and accepts the decision graciously, showing what the MNHL is all about.
Regardless, everyone was over it by the time the 1st round was serves at Marinos.
2017 Finals MVP goes to Chris Bumbacco with 2 goals for the Kings.
3rd Place Game
In the 3rd place game, the Leafs defeated the Penguins to capture the Bronze medal which entitles them to… nothing.
5th Place Game
Over in the late game for 5th place the Whalers and Red Wings tied 4-4 solidifying each as the worst team in the league. Call it a tie for 5 1/2 place.
The 2016-2017 season is over. The boys will start training after a few weeks off to relax. October and the 2017-2018 season will be here before you know it.
MNHL Championship Week – March 27
MNHL Cup – Bruins vs Kings @ 9:00
3rd Place Game – Penguins vs Leafs @ 10:00
5th Place Game – Whalers vs Red Wings @ 10:30
The stage is set for three exciting games to end the 2016-2017 MNHL Season.
The Bruins and Kings clash for the coveted MNHL Cup in the 9:00 Championship game.
The Penguins and Leafs battle to determine who’s the 3rd best team in the league.
In the late game over on rink B, the Whalers and Red Wings slap it out to see who really is the worst team in the MNHL this season.
Semi-Finals Reports March 20, 2017
Bruins 4 Leafs 1
The Bruins punched their way into the MNHL Cup Finals for a 2nd year with a revenge victory over Talbot’s Leafs. Last year, Talbot and his rag tag bunch team known as the Hawks pulled the upset of the year defeating the Bruins in the finals.
This year, Talbot threw on some Leafs jerseys but couldn’t get past Tim and the Bruins.
Kings 4 Penguins 1
The mighty Kings were able to roll into the MNHL Cup Finals, proving to the MNHL Head of Hockey Operations that they were the better team.
Still upset over missing that bye week due to the tie-breaker, Henry and his boys in Black stomped out the Penguins like Batman defeating well… the Penguin.
Whalers 2 Red Wings 0
The toilet bowl game came to a crashing end when Bernie Klaciers wrister from the slot shattered the glass behind the net, shattering the dreams of an early night for the rink rat.
March 13 Quarter Finals Report
Leafs 2 Whalers 1
It wouldn’t be March Madness with out a Cinderella Story and the 5th seed Leafs provided that with a stunning 2-1 win over the 4th seed Whalers.
After a tight 1st period, the Leafs get on the board when the Dominator pounced on a juicy rebound from in close and put it past Dean “The Thrill” Shill.
A disallowed Whalers goal in the 3rd keeps it 1-0 before the Leafs pop an insurance goal on a beautiful pass up the middle to “Wendel” Clarke Webster who found the back of the net.
Whalers get their 1st in the last 2 minutes but are unable to tie it up and send it to OT.
Leafs move onto the Semi-Finals vs the powerful Bruins.
Kings 9 Red Wings 5
In a battle of 3 vs 6, the Red Wings strike 1st when Snyder pitch forks a rebound under Shawn “The Doctor” Marten.
The Kings would come back quickly, scoring 5 unanswered goals to make it 5-1 at the 1/3 mark. Kings were helped by their NHL call up, I guess Henry skipped the AHL section of the spare list and went right to the big leagues.
Would the Red Wings lay down? No, they faught back with 5 unanswered goals of their own and at one point the Kings held on to a narrow 6-5 lead with the Wings buzzing, but alas the speed of “The Million Dollar Team” was too much and the Kings beat on the bloody cadaver of the Red Wings on route to a 9-5 win and a trip to the Semi-Finals vs the Penguins.
Penguins vs Bruins
In exhibition action, the 1st and 2nd seed battled but really, it was an exhibition game so who cares who won.
Final 2016-2017 Regular Season Standings
Penguins win 2nd place Tie Breaker over Kings as follows:
- Most points… Tied at 25
- Most Wins… Tied at 12
- Better head to head… tied season head to head 2 wins each
- Better record vs next highest team… Kings went 3-2-0 vs Bruins for 6 of 10 possible points (60%). Penguins went 2-1-1 vs Bruins for 5 of 8 possible points (62.5%)
March 6 Game Reports
Bruins 4 Leafs 2
Bruins had a very short bench missing Foulon, Gibson Fremeth and Norman.
Bruins managed to get 2 subs – Beliveau and Jackson and both made early impacts. Ryan scored 2 early and Dan got 1. Steve Adams scored the 4th giving the Bruins a 4-0 lead.
With the short bench the Bruins just held on for the win. Best save of the night must be credited to Michael Jackson who swatted away a sure goal near the goal line.
Whalers 2 Kings 1
In a game that had much importance for the Kings but little for the Whalers, the Whalers played spoiler and ended LA’s hopes of a top-2 finish.
The Kings knew when they stepped on the ice that a tie or a win would put them in first or second place, giving them a welcome first-week playoff bye.
A lack of urgency and hard work certainly weren’t the downfalls of the black and silver squad on this night. The Kings outplayed the Whalers for most of the contest and outshot them by a wide margin. Hartford goalie Dean “The Thrill” Schill was up for the challenge and made some great saves as he frustrated Kings’ shooters time and again.
However, the Kings were also guilty of not capitalizing on a handful of mouth-watering chances. Three times during the game, Kings’ players missed open cages.
Kevin “Straight Outta St. Thomas” Rupple was showing off his usual blasts of speed and opened the scoring for the Whalers somewhere near the middle of the game when he circled from behind the Kings’ net and went top shelf corner on Shawn “Bone Cracker” Martin.
About five minutes later, Kings’ defenceman Geoff “99” Curphey, showing Pavel Bure-like speed as he flew by a few Whalers on a rush, deked Schill and put the puck in with his backhand to even the score 1-1.
Rupple was heard immediately after loudly showing concern for the condition of the referee’s eyes and suggested he needed to visit one of London’s fine optometrists. Rupple felt he had been interfered with by the always tenacious Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel as he attempted to cut off a streaking Curphey.
The ref, no sucker for punishment, quickly shot back at Rupple with some ferocious words of his own.
Both men were seen with watery eyes at the ensuing faceoff and in a touching moment last seen at a men’s hockey game of any kind back in Dec., 1912, they shook hands and hugged, calling an end to the short spat.
With around eight minutes left, the Whalers got some sustained pressure in the Kings’ end. In a mad scramble in front of Martin, Brad “Sudbury” Nickle pounced on a loose puck in the crease and poked it in to give the Whalers the go-ahead goal.
The Kings went all out in the last few minutes, enjoying some outstanding chances, but couldn’t convert to get the much-needed equalizer.
Penguins 3 Red Wings 2
What a finish! Penguins needing the win to possibly capture 2nd place and the Wings looking to get out of the basement.
Back and forth game had some rough and tumble play but the last 30 seconds is all that matters. Tied at 2, both teams pushing for the win, a tie helps neither, Bernie goes on a breakaway, Blair hustles back to back check.
Hooking penalty? Nope
Big stop from Big Dave Orr
Pens break out, up to Cleland… Off side? No Call
Thru the defensmen, and tucks it short side past Scotty Milne with 1 second left.
Penguins win… Red Wings go crazy on the bench.
February 27th Game Reports
Penguins 2 Whalers 0
Blair and the Penguins did their best Captain Ahab impression by harpooning the Whalers last night.
In a game with serious playoff implications, the Penguins cruised to a 2-0 victory and jumped ahead of the Whalers into 3rd place with 1 game to go.
Blair netted the game winner and was sure to let everyone know it and Dave Orr got the shutout.
The Whalers enjoyed some KFC after the game but on this night, they were the only Fried Chicken at Carling.
Red Wings 8 Leafs 7
Someone call the Fire Department, we had a barn burner at Carling Arena last night.
A back and forth game that saw both Goalies suffer some nervous breakdowns during points in the game.
Leafs were up 6-3 at one point when the Wings went on a 5-0 run. Snyder hits the empty net with under a minute to make it 8-6 and attempted to ride the stick but realized that his 75 flex likely wouldn’t support his weight. The Leafs come back down and score again to make it 8-7 with the clock ticking down. Another mad rush from the Leafs but they were unable to net the equalizer and the Wings stay alive in the battle for 5th place, now 1 point behind the Leafs going into the season finale.
Kings 2 Bruins 1
A battle with 1st place on the line. A Bruins win locks up 1st place while a Kings victory makes week 22 all so important.
In a battle of the MNHL’s two best teams, the Kings came out flying and out chanced the mighty Bruins en route to a exciting 2-1 victory.
Perhaps the Bruins were thrown off by the late west coast start of 10:30 or unsettled because of the absence of their star forward Adam “Cherry Pie” Foulon. Rumours abounded before the game that Cherry Pie was on an extended cruise in the sunny south, but would be back for the start of the playoffs.
The Kings had the bears on their heels early and only the usual stellar play of Craig “Crazy Legs” Dunbar kept the score low. Dunbar, who was unsure if he would be able to play this season in Aug. due to a herniated disk, proved on Monday night, like a fine wine, he only gets better with age.
Brian “Corn Syrup” Thompson of the Kings opened the scoring for his squad about 10 minutes in off a rebound right by the crease. With the tally, Thompson had his third goal in two games. Like the planet we inhabit, he is getting very warm before the playoffs even start – a good news story for the Kings.
Either Bruins’ Chris Higgins or Stan Norman had an easy tap in with Shawn “Bone Cracker” Martin helpless after making a great first save. Even teammates after the game weren’t sure who should get credit as both men are of a similar size and look and periodically switch jersey numbers to confuse the opposition.
A while later, LA’s Rich “Big and Rich” Wotton had a glorious chance to put his team up a goal. His shot appeared to leak through a part of Dunbar’s padding and lay near the goal line for a couple of seconds. Unfortunately for Wotton, “Tiny” Tim Gibson, the Bruins massive captain, managed to impede him just enough to prevent the puck from being pushed in.
Back at the bench, Wotton, a large body himself, was in shock and awe as he said Gibson had kept him from moving toward the puck with only the first finger on his right glove hand.
With four or five minutes left in the game, Kings’ Chris “Bummer” Bumbacco and Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft found themselves on a 2-on-1 against Gibson. In an unprecedented move, Gibson instructed Bancroft to shoot as he skated closer to the net. Not wanting to defy the intimidating behemoth, Bancroft shot a missile low corner just off the post to give the Kings a hard-fought victory.
February 20th Game Reports
Whalers 3 Red Wings 2
Jimmy was sneaking around the Wings dressing room pre-game, hoping to get any last minute bits of info on the Wings plan of attack. You gotta give it to Jimmy, he’s going all out to secure a 1st round bye in the MNHL Playoffs.
The Dead Wings jump out to an early lead thanks to a 1st shift goal from Bernie “The Natural” Klacer.
The Whalers tie it on a scramble in front of the net.
Bryce Freckleton sneaks behind the Whalers D to give the Wings a 2-1 lead but again, the Whalers tie it.
Late in the game, the Whalers get behind the Wings D and get the game winner. The stink of another blown Red Wings win lingered in the dressing room like a dead raccoon.
Several Wings chances were denied due to Dean “The Thrill” Shill and his right handed glove. How is anyone supposed to score on him when his glove is on the wrong side.
The tall boys on ice helped sooth the pain for the Wings. Unfortunately the Budweiser cans were the only tall boys wearing red last night.
Fittingly, the Whalers enjoyed some post game Chicken Wings, the 2nd serving of Wings they chewed up and spit out last night.
Penguins 5 Bruins 2
I think it’s pretty obvious what happened here… The Bruins team didn’t show up, the Penguins played 5 on 0 for 50 minutes and still allowed 2 goals against.
Kings 5 vs Leafs 4
Henry reports that, while the Kings won the game, the score is a blur.
Some will blame old age, others will blame the wear and tear of his glamorous movie star lifestyle — private jets to Las Vegas, early morning return flights, the club scene, the money, the women — regardless, 5-3, 5-4, 6-3, 6-4 were all thrown around but what really matters is the Kings get 2 points to stay above the Whalers for 2nd place.
February 13th Game Reports
Penguins 4 vs Kings 1
Dave Bancroft – West Coast Reporter
The Kings were in tough for this game as they were two players short. Captain Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel was supposed to get two spares before he left on his motorcycle cruising holiday in Nevada on the weekend. However, 15 minutes before the game, no fill-ins had turned up.
Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft got on the phone to Henry but had trouble getting much coherent talk out of the hard-partying, big-living legend and found out the only place he had been driving his rented motorcycle with his buddies was to the Las Vegas casinos. Speaking from one of the blackjack tables, he said, “I am up $5,000 and about to win another $1,000. Beer’s on me this season and next.” When asked who was taking his place, Henry said, “Somebody. Gotta go. Have fun.”
The game started at a fast pace with both goalies Dave “Bobby” Orr of the Penguins and Kings’ Shawn “Bone Cracker” Martin making some solid stops.
“All-Star” Adam Cleland opened the scoring for the wobbly birds sometime between 5-15 minutes in (can’t remember) off a close-in shot that Martin didn’t have much of a chance at.
About five minutes later, Rich “Big and Rich” Wotton of the Kings evened the score at 1 when he bulged the twine.
Scott “El Presidente” Cortese swung the momentum in the Penguins favour with 15 minutes left when he fired in a hard, low shot between Martin’s legs from about 15 feet out to put his team in front 2-1.
As the game wore on, the Kings were getting at least an equal number of shots as the Penguins but Orr was making every first save and the LA forwards weren’t jumping on any rebounds.
In what’s believed to be a MNHL first, likely a very uncouth King cleared the bench soon after Cortese’s go-ahead tally at a whistle with what is believed to be a rancid and potent fart. (Some Kings stated they saw Blair “The Goon” Collett subtly lift his leg and smile as he skated slowly by the bench before the stench took hold.)
Although no culprit was ever collared for this offence, the normally well-behaved Chris “Bummer” Bumbacco looked very guilty as he leaned on the bench boards while everyone else moved at least 10 feet away.
Unfortunately, not even an odor stronger than smelling salts could give the Kings more energy to get back into the contest. Kevin “The Prince” Noble and Adam Cleland put two more pucks past Martin to secure their squad a 4-1 win.
Bruins 3 Red Wings 2
A great game until the end. Wings get on the board early on a Klacier from Marquis one timer past Dunbar.
Bruins come back and get 2 to make it 2-1 where it stood for a long time.
Bruins score late to make it 3-1 and the game looks over, but the Wings fight back with the goalie out, scoring with under a minute to make it 3-2.
Slow reffing eats precious seconds from the Wings comeback but even then, the game ends with the Wings buzzing around the net and Dunbar making a big save on the would-be tying goal. Definitely could have gone either way with both teams having moments of offensive zone dominance, cycling and passing the puck.
A few penalties on some obvious calls, but both teams headed to the box without much debate, showing that YES, those emails from the President did not fall on deaf ears.
In the end, Dunbar and Milne were both strong but the Bruins were just a little stronger.
Whalers 4 vs Leafs 1
During the game, Jimmy’s voice echo’d thru Carling, offering instructions to the Whalers to “shooooooooooooooooooo it”.
When asked to comment on this disappointing outcome, Leafs Captain Talbot Stevens broke into tears and ran out of the rink.
February 6 Game Reports
Red Wings 4 Kings 3
THE PATRIOTS HAVE WON THE SUPER BOWL!
DONALD TRUMP IS THE NEW PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
THE RED WINGS BEAT THE KINGS?????
The Miracle at Carling as it will be remembered for ever. The bottom dweller Red Wings summoned their inner Donald Trump and made the MNHL Great Again with an upset for the ages over the Mighty Kings.
After the Wings jumped out to a 2-0 lead off a beautiful dipsey doodle goal from Mike Marquis, the Kings came back and eventually tied the game. Shawn Martin and Scott Milne were both outstanding in net. Milne making several huge saves to keep the Wings in the game.
The new tighter enforcement on penalties saw 3 players serve time in the sin bin. Late in the game, tied 3-3, Wings on the PP, Marquis shoots from the wing, saved by Martin, Snyder’s big ol’ butt parked in front of the net chips the rebound across to Bernie “Big Time” Klacer and who bulges the back of the net with the game winner, the red goal light shining brighter then his sun burn.
DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!
Captain Joe seen weeping in the dressing room after wards, calling it the biggest win he’s had in years.
Kings Captain Henry immediately calls the city and books the 11:00 to 12:00 ice time and holds a bag skate for the boys.
After the game the Wings give credit for the win to President Cortese claiming some hurtful comments he made in a recent league email about the Wings “playing for next year…” gave them the extra piss and vinegar they needed to capture the win. Little do they know that the email was actually sent by teammate and webmaster Matt Snyder… a little extra motivation never hurt, eh boys?
In a bonus, Mike Marquis surprises the boys with beer and Shepherds Pie saying “if we want to beat the Leafs, we need to eat like the Leafs”.
Leafs 4 vs Penguins 3
Leafs win 4-3 in a nail biter!
Penguins off to an early lead with goals from double-header call-up Henry the Flying Dutchman VerBakel and Adam Cleland. Couple of Penguins penalties and Leafs closed to tie 2-2. Penguins went ahead with a nice goal from Evan Cleland but Chuck “I Love the Leafs” Parker laid the hammer down to tie it at 3’s! Inside 2 minutes the mighty Leafs hammered one in for their first lead to make it 4-3 with under 2 minutes to go. As the clock ticked past 1:30 remaining the Penguins bench hollered for Davey Orr to come to the bench for the extra attacker but Orrsey shook his head no like a Yorkypoo with a Marino’s chicken wing bone in his mouth. Penguins later learned that the net minder thought the score was tied and he was applying his better judgement. Made no difference as the Penguins didn’t have enough waddle in their step to tie it up – buzzzzzzzz! Leafs win!!!
After the game the Penguins convened to their favorite watering hole to review film presented by Captain Blair, chicken wings had by all (ohhhh it burns, it burns this morning – call it penance for losing). The Leafs were represented by a lone Clark Webster, who won the $8700 Marino’s Superbowl pool and bought a round of drinks for all (even the gun-toting Somolians in the back)! Scott “She’s Allllll C__” Tooke was overheard telling the press the next morning, “Ya, this Clarky guy comes into Marino’s and is handed a wad of money and waves around a fistful of C notes saying ‘I got paper bitches, drinks on me!’
Whalers 3 vs Bruins 3
This was a close hard fought battle to the end but also, it was also very clean – the only thing that got hurt were a couple of goalie’s feelings for letting in late goals!
The Bruins knew they might be up against it this week when Dean ‘The Thrill’ Shill SHOWED UP ON TIME and actually took some practice shots (darn late games). He made it tough making several great saves, using his SUV sized trapper to make several tough glove saves look easy
The Bruins finally opened the scoring only to quickly have their lead quickly erased on goals by Kevin Ruple and Chris Bumbacco (the Whalers have to be credited with finding “creative” ways to move up in the standings – they must have been inspired by the genius that is Bill Belichick)
The Bruins tied only to fall behind again when Bumbacco’s pass from the corner deflected in off the Bruin’s defender (later in the dressing room Chris Higgins admitted to jinxing the Bruins by exclaiming on the bench ‘there’s no way Chris can score from there’).
In Patriot style (without any cheating that goes with that) the Bruins never gave up and Murray “The Chef” Pratt ‘cooked’ up a beauty getting the equalizer with just a few ticks left on the clock
While the game was a tie on the ice, the Bruins surprisingly won the post game festivity battle having more guys there to close down the arena after the late game. Makes you wonder who was the food guy on Jimmy’s squad this week. Must have been sub par or non-existent. Perhaps the crock pot was too tired after super bowl Sunday.
January 30 Game Reports
Bruins 5 Leafs 2
The story of the night for the Bruins was its ‘elder statesman’ Chris Higgins. Chris was our beer guy and showed up with a seemingly unlimited supply. He also stuck around for the guys to enjoy as many as they wanted (clearly not worried about RIDE programs) only leaving once Foulon started to undress (that usually happens 1 + hours post game). That’s is how beer night is done!!!
His preparation for the post game festivities was rewarded during the game. A last minute no show meant Chris had to move up to forward from D where he was rewarded with not 1 but 2 goals. He claimed that he would have gone for the hat trick but was sure his wife wouldn’t believe him. His first goal was on a breakaway no less where he put a nice shot blocker side.
Speaking of Foulon, I guess he isn’t scoring enough so he decided to take out some weird frustration by hitting BOTH goalies in the head with shots. In my case I was clearing pucks out of my net during warm ups when I took one on the side of the head. Foulon claimed it was a soft flip shot but the bells in my head sounded like the Peace Tower!!! Keepers are warned to avoid wearing white masks (too easy a target) or practice ducking
Kings 4 Whalers 2
After being given a stern warning by league commissioner Scott “El Presidente” Cortese to curb the rough play or else, this game turned out to be a calm and easygoing affair. Not one penalty was called by the referee as players on both teams looked like they were contending for the Lady Byng trophy, not on trying to mimic actors in the Hollywood hockey movie, “Goon”.
Andrew “Sharpie” Sharpe opened the scoring for the Whalers about 10 minutes in with a quick low shot to Shawn “Bone Cracker” Martin’s blocker side. Tension levels rose slightly on the Kings’ bench knowing they were behind early and entered the match on a two-game losing streak.
Dave “The Chef” Rosen gave LA some relief and a boost when he finally got his team on the board around 10 minutes after Sharpe’s tally. Rosen backhanded in the puck during a mad scramble in front of the Whalers’ net.
Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft redeemed himself after being body checked by the blue line earlier by netting one soon after off a rebound right in front of Dean “The Thrill” Schill to make it 2-1 Kings.
Kevin “Straight Outta St. Thomas” Rupple, the league’s best toe-dragger, went on a couple of his usual end-to-end rushes before blasting in a rebound low corner on Martin from about 15 feet out to make it 2-2.
Then Kings’ Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel, showing more speed than most players half his age, broke in alone and went roof-daddy with a forehand on Schill. The Kings were now up 3-2.
Bancroft sealed the deal with an empty-netter in the last minute.
The Whalers’ quickly forgot the loss after the game by dining on the delicious chicken caesar wraps prepared by Scott Konopka, renowned to be one of the top cooks in the league.
Penguins 5 Red Wings 3
Penguins get the 1st goal after a relentless attack from the Red Wings. Jumping out to a multi goal lead wasn’t enough to cool tempers on the ice. At one point Cortese ripped off his clothes, jumped off the top of the glass in the corner “Macho Man Randy Savage” style and then out of nowhere, had a Championship Belt on hit Snyder with a steel chair in the back… super weird but just another game in the MNHL Wrestling League.
Red Wings fight back thanks to 2 goals from Mike Marquis and a snipe from Vinny the Italian Stallion.
Game ends 5-3, Wings thought it was 7-3 and thus didn’t turn on the heat in the final minutes.
January 23 Game Results
Whalers 4 Penguins 3
A seesaw battle the whole game.
For the Pens Mike O’Neil back this week from healthy scratch status sending a message to the coach with a beauty deke goal and a whack of good scoring chances.
Adam Cleland popped his usual goal per game in and Kevin Noble made a nice tap in goal on a Whalers delayed penalty call with the extra attacker on (a tad prematurely Dean would, and did, argue). The ref probably couldn’t tell because he wasn’t tall enough to see over the boards. We think Dean was yelling so loud thinking he was talking in a normal voice with the ipod in.
Jimmy’s Whalers (is that like Charlie’s Angels?) continue to be plagued with poor team attendance issues and they had their usual flock of spares in to help out. Andrew “not so sharp” Sharpey scored for the Whalers as well as Steve Adams to even things up at 3-3.
Talbot was flying as a fill-in forward and Clark Webster popped in the game winner with 2.9 seconds left on the clock for the big Whalers win.
Leafs 8 Red Wings 3
Leafs strike fast with 3 goals in the early minutes and the Red Wings red jerseys were the blood in the water that Talbot’s team of savages went hunting for goals.
Tyler “Killer” Smith had 3 goals (he made sure everyone knew as he kept a running tally at the face off circle) and spent the last 20 minutes looking for #4.
Leading 5-0 the Leafs were looking for double digits before the Wings could get on the board. The Wings showed a little life late in the game closing the score to 6-3 but the Leafs scored 2 late including the 8th with 10 seconds left.
Mid game discussions on the Wings bench saw Captain Joe taking suggestions for ideas to break out of the basement. One idea was disbanding the team for 2017 draft picks. Other ideas included:
- passing the puck
- back checking
- getting 10 new players
Bruins 2 Kings 0
Dunbar continues his shut out party in this was an epic battle for first place.
The game started ominously with the ref apparently saying to players at the puck drop “I hope nobody’s had an argument with their wife”. The choppiness he feared came to pass as both sides contested every puck.
Lots of penalties were called – perhaps too many but once again the strategy of complaining to the ref about his abilities seemed to backfire.
With strong defense on both sides scoring chances were far and few between. The Bruins had some of the better early chances with Sean ‘bone cracker’ Marten making some ridiculous saves. The Bruins finally broke through late on a nice 3 way passing play and added another a few minutes later at which point things really did get a bit too rough.
A late skirmish in front of the Kings goal lead to a couple of ejections. This could have been a solid Bruin strategy as at least 3 minutes passed getting the offenders off the ice and into their respective dressing rooms. This left Henry and his speedy crew little time to mount a come back
Post game the Bruins celebrated their new lead in the standings until the beer guy left early. Names will not be named but discipline must surely follow 🙂
JANUARY 16 GAME REPORTS
Whalers 6 Red Wings 1
Jimmy’s strategy of holding his guys in the dressing room until 10 after seemed to work as the Whalers jumped out to an early lead (having saved 10 minutes worth of wasted energy).
The Red Wings were Dead Wings on this night. After 40 minutes of trying the old “1 on 5 rush” the Wings decided to try passing but unfortunately they make passes like a basketball team… bounce bounce bounce.
Mike Milo scored a solid goal late in the game to show the boys he still has a little left in the tank.
MNHL Stats Analysis:
65: Amount of games Talbot has played this year after sparing for the Whalers last night
0: Amount of times Jimmy has called someone off the spare list to spare
2: Amount of shots the Red Wings had last night
18: Amount of times Snyder said “fuck” on the ice last night
21: Amount of total strides the ref took during the game, instead choosing to sit at the red line.
Penguins 3 Bruins 3
Bruins controlled the game early drawing a penalty and then on the PP Foulon was pulled down on a breakaway resulting in the most exciting play in hockey – the penalty shot. Foulon tried to go low but Dave Orr denied it! After killing the rest of the PP the Pens took over with several good rushes and jumped out to an early 2-0 lead.
The Bruins then responded with some strong play resulting in goals by Foulon and super sub Ryan Belliveau (who was inspired by his adoring fan club). They took the lead on a snipe by Stan Norman
Bruins held the lead late and could have pulled away save some remarkable stops by Dave ‘Bobby’ Orr. As the game drew to a close things got either chippy or romantic. I couldn’t tell from my angle but several guys were rolling around together near the Pens cage.
The Pens tried the strategy of screaming at the ref which shockingly never seems to work. The heightened emotions did pay off on the ice though as the Pens perfectly executed the old shot from point off a Bruin’s D cage right to their right wingers stick at the back door with about 15 seconds left.
Happily the teams exchanged pleasantries at the end without the need to call in London’s finest!
Leafs 3 vs Kings 1
Leafs upset the Kings 3-1, for the second time this season!
Leafs only wins this year have been against the Kings (top of league) and Wings (fighting the Leafs for bottom).
The difference might have been a management decision to change the lineup, after several losses left the Leafs at the bottom of the standings. The centres switched lines, and new defensive pairings were tried.
The result: Leafs tender Niel played one his best games of the year, earning an “almost-shutout.” All Leaf skaters were faster to the puck (than normal Leafs’ effort), and “Wendel” Clark Webster showed his approval for the new lineup by scoring all 3 goals.
JANUARY 9 GAME REPORTS
Today’s Leafs report brought to you by the letter “L”
Capt’n Jimmy ushered in the “New Year, New Rules” era by making a “questionable” call up.
The lowly Leafs lead by their litigious leader have leaked they are leaning to a law suit against the lawless Jimmy for his lax interpretation of the rules, his lapse in judgment and his lazy and laughable attempt at locating a like spare.
The lanky Jimmy had the last laugh with the victory… but at what costs?
Kings 6 Penguins 3
Trusted correspondent Dave Bancroft reporting
In a weird start to the evening, Kings’ captain Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel and Whalers’ captain Jimmy “Big Jim” McCormack played a game of whack-a-mole with Rob DeJong’s confidence.
Rob entered the Kings’ dressing room and claimed that he had been asked by the Whalers’ captain to suit up for the Kings. However, having enough players, Henry told Rob that perhaps Jimmy had meant he was needed by the Penguins. Rob went away, then came back, saying again he had been asked to play for the Kings. Henry, now realizing that Jimmy was attempting to distract and rattle his great squad before a big game, said no and gave Rob a polite whack-a-mole. Rob ended up sparing for the Penguins.
Side Note 1: King Henry was expecting 10 skaters but one didn’t show up.
Side Note 2: Rob played a good game on defence for the Penguins.
Both teams seemed a bit sluggish to start out this game. Likely many players were still carrying a few extra pounds from the all the turkey and deserts over the holiday break. Penguins’ Blair “The Goon” Collett opened the scoring around five minutes in. The bruising veteran and native of Sault. St. Marie streaked down the left side into the Kings’ zone. With Geoff “99” Curphey all over him like a hobo on a ham sandwich, Collett managed to fire off a missile that went over the glove hand of Shawn “Bonecracker” Martin. After the goal, Collett and Curphey briefly exchanged pleasantries, but nothing materialized as the referee, a behemoth of a man, going about 6 “6”, 280 lbs, picked up both men by the pack of their pants and tossed them in opposite directions.
The Kings didn’t get many chances against Penguins’ netminder Dave “Bobby” Orr in the first 15 minutes and frustration was growing. Then, Verbakel blasted a rocket into the top corner to break the goose egg. LA’s Russell Smith followed soon after with an easy tap in out front after a nice pass from Rich “Big and Rich” Wotton. The always hustling Chris “Bummer” Bumbacco potted two goals and Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft added one. After Bancroft broke in alone on a terrific pass from Verbakel and fired a bullet that bulged the twine blocker side on Orr, a claim of “slap shot” was heard by one of the Penguins. The ref nodded no as did arena tape reviewed after the game. The final score was 6-3 for the Kings as they avenged a lopsided loss to Crosby’s boys in the last meeting.
At Marino’s after the game, league chief Scott “El Presidente” Cortese met briefly with Henry and Jimmy to discuss pre-game matters. Cortese ruled that Jimmy had to cease and desist from attempting to be the general manager of two different teams at the same time.
Bruins 2 Red Wings 0
Todays game report in the form of a Japanese Haiku:
Dunbar was a Wall
He made the saves look easy
The Wings players cried
JANUARY 2 GAME REPORTS
Bruins 1 Whalers 1
Jimmy’s squad had a number missing including Kevin R, Brad N and Mike Milo.
They had a number of call ups including the Cleland boys (I guess Andy couldn’t come…). All the shades of blue and green on the ice was both beautiful to the eye and a bit distracting.
Bruins started the game without big Tim so the Whaler strategy was to try to avoid any stoppage in play to keep Tim off the ice. It worked pretty well – it seemed like Tim was standing by the door a long time!
The game was a good defensive battle. Mike James opened the scoring converting on a rare Dean rebound (the ‘stickum’ on his equipment must have rubbed off over the break). Rob DeJong equalized after the puck bounced nicely (albeit somewhat strangely) from behind the net to his stick in the slot
After that strong defensive play on both sides held the shooters at bay and the score stayed 1-1 for the rest of the game securing both teams a much needed New Years Point.
Kings 4 Red Wings 2
Kings jump out to an early lead after the Red Wings swarm but can’t find the net.
The Wings continued to put the pressure on but were unable to find the back of the net on Shawn “Bone Cracker” Martin. Even a Snyder goal needed 3 bounces before finding it’s way home.
Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel was seen trying to instigate a fight with several Wings players.
The referee, likely in a hurry to get home, ended the game with 1:30 left on the clock due to a self imposed curfew. At the risk of being fined by league management, he was probably the worst ref in MNHL history (on a list that included a woman and a 9 year old kid who reffed a game last year).
Penguins 3 Leafs 2
No update provided. Blair claims the Penguins were too hung over from New Years Eve to remember anything from the game.
DECEMBER 19 GAME REPORTS
Red Wings 7 Penguins 5 (… or 6)
One heck of a Christmas gift for the Wings who punch their ticket to the holidays with a dominant win over the Penguins.
The game started late as O’Neil couldn’t find a babysitter. Remarkably, the penalty box also doubles as a day care. Watch your swearing on the bench Blair.
Vinny “The Italian Stallion” pops 2, like Scotty Cortese at the bar picking up a set of twins, this guy only scores in pairs.
A late Pens goal waved off by the ref due to the net being off. Pens are too tired to complain, or maybe just in a hurry to get to Marino’s for a free large pizza.
Rod “The Bod” Mitchell gets his 1st of the season, a sizzling slapper from the blue line that had eyes and finds the back of the net.
Penguins play a strong game except for Blair who is unusually soft on the back end. Must have been thinking about the free chicken wings a few hours too early.
Snyder and Klacer each grab one for the Wings as well. O’Neil and Cleland for the Pens.
Most of the boys made it out to Marino’s after for a little Christmas cheer, only to discover that yes, the Marino’s chicken wings do bite back.
Bruins 4 Leafs 1
In this game, few players were feeling the Christmas spirit as there may have been more penalties than shots (with several of the penalties actually earned)! The bruising Bruins bounced the Leafs around the ice and the scoreboard in a rough battle.
Not a great time of year to land on the naughty list. My guess is the captains did a poor job explaining that everyone would get food at Marino’s and it wouldn’t be some sort of Hunger Games event.
In another game where Talbot was not allowed to play D, he surprised everyone by opening the scoring with a closed-eyed shot past Craig “Crazy Legs” and about 5 players screening him, described as a laser top blocker side on the Leafs first PP.
While his “taunting” did not go punished at first (asking the keeper at the end of the play sheepishly “did that go in??”), payback was sweet when later in the game Dunbar flashed the blocker on a similar shot.
Foulon tied the score on (wait for it)….. a Bruins PP and little Tim (looking more massive than usual in his Kevlar body suit – must have been tipped off that this could be a rough game) gave the Bruins the lead for good on a blast from the slot (I’m shocked nobody tries to block those).
The Bruins threw their weight around, keeping the penalty box warm. The size of the Bruins’ defense was a factor, as one of them bounced Joe Regnier into the boards. Dazzed, Joe was out for the rest of the game following concussion protocol. The league is reviewing the play for supplementary discipline. The good news is that the prescribed therapy at Marino’s helped, and Joe is ready to get back on the ice.
Craig was a Grinch in stealing all hopes of the Leafs finally defeating their division rivals. He even denied Stevens his first career two-goal game (not counting deflections into his own net) by robbing him of a top shelf bid that everyone thought was in.
While happy with the win, Bruins management was overheard complaining about the turnout at Marino’s – must have been too much dressing room talk about whether everyone had their Hep C shots. It just meant there were more wings, pizza and indigestion for the brave few attending.
Kings over Whalers
By Dave Bancroft, L.A. Times
The night began with some major-league worries for Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel and his troops after two players called in sick starting one hour before the 10:30 game. Two others had said they would be absent earlier in the week.
Evidently, at least one inebriated player had started the post-game Christmas party a few hours early. After the normally docile Henry broke his extra stick over a tree beside the Carling parking lot and went into a swearing fit that would put a Blair “The Goon” Collett outburst to shame, he and two other players began working the phones.
Trying frequent sub John MacArthur first, Henry was puzzled to not get an answer or response. He was later spotted at Springbank Park feeding the ducks. Henry, like he does on the ice, came through in the clutch, bringing in two replacement players at the last minute to give Hollywood’s team nine skaters. Spare Brian Williams was in the middle of watching Will Ferrell’s legendary Christmas movie Elf with his friends when Henry reached him at 10:03 and thus was none too pleased to be bothered with talk of hockey. However, after Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft agreed to give Brian his two post-game beers and “some” of his pizza at the post-game party, he finally agreed to play. Williams dressed while his friend drove him to the rink and was able to slip off his skate guards in time to make the start of the game.
Luckily for the Kings, Williams arrived because he ended up scoring two key goals to lead the Kings squad to a 6-3 victory over the Whalers.
The final score was somewhat misleading because for nearly half the game the Whalers controlled more of the play, Whalers’ goalie Dean “The Thrill” Schill made some big saves and the Whalers were ahead 3-1.
Then Verbakel got behind the Whalers defense, took a pass off the boards near the Whalers’ blue line and zoomed in alone on Schill. Henry pulled a slick deke to the backhand side, put it in and suddenly the Kings had life.
Kings’ spare defense man Mitch Orr made a nice rush soon after, deking around a couple of Whalers in their zone and put a hard shot between Schill’s wickets to make it 3-3. Williams’ second goal of the game ended up being the winner.
Lightning-quick Chris “Bummer” Bumbacco received an early Christmas present near game’s end when Schill went out of his net to clear the puck, Bumbacco intercepted the pass and put the disc in the open net for his second tally of the contest. Shawn “Bone Cracker” Martin made some key stops for the Kings later in the tilt to preserve the win.
Kevin “Straight Outta St. Thomas” Rupple, Andrew “Sharpie” Sharpe and super sub “All-Star” Adam Cleland scored for the Whalers.
Players enjoyed an outstanding feast of chicken wings and pizza at Marino’s afterwards at the league’s Christmas party. Bancroft was seen around 1 am being helped to his car after his bloated esophagus went into a prolonged and painful spasm. Apparently nine pieces of deep dish pizza along with at least 20 wings was too much for this man to handle.
Sub Williams left Marino’s in a huff, calling Bancroft a liar after only getting one slice of pizza. MNHL head honcho Scott “El Presidente” Cortese was heard to say that Bancroft will be on a “food limit” for future parties
DECEMBER 12 GAME REPORTS
Bruins 4 Kings 1
Big night for the Bruins who have struggled to compete with the speedy Kings – especially in week 1 where the Kings cruised to what seemed like a 2 TD win. Tonight’s game was closer than the score suggested – it was 2-1 until late when the Bruins got 2 empty net goals (Foulon and Jackson).
The Kings opened the scoring with a great rush by 99 who finished with a bad angle laser to the top corner. Bruins equalized on a great deflection shot and then took the lead with one of Tim’s soft wrist shots (make that cannon) from the slot.
Otherwise it was a great, close game with lots of chances both ways. While there were lots of penalties (the Bruins had the Lions share) it was mostly a clean game.
Penguins 4 Whalers 2
Penguins won 4-2 including an empty-netter with goals by Adam, Evan, and Elder statesman Andrew Cleland, with an extra one thrown in by Blair Collett.
One of the goals was an absolute beauty between Evan and Adam, tick tack toe and in. Andy Scored a humdinger top shelf beauty which turned out to be the game winner!
Dean the goalie was none too amused to be humiliated in such a fashion by his old teammate!
Fill in for the Whalers Adam Foulon severely dented 2 Penguins posts and Blair Alton was on fire with some Gibsonesque rockets from the point. Davey Orr stood on his head for the Pens to keep them in it, allowing Andy “Sharpshooter” Cleland the opportunity to bury that game winner.
Post-game antics included Tooke and Collett doing a panty raid, errr party raid I mean, on the Whalers room for pizza, KFC, and an assortment of heavy beers.
Scott Tooke commented to the press afterwards that “their pizza was as bland as their offense”.
In other news… Blair appears to have found a new friend. Be careful if anyone bring some post-game hamburgers into the rink, This guy really likes Beef!
Leafs 4 Red Wings 2
If you’ve ever watched a snail try and slither along a sidewalk or a dog walk in a circle and then lay down and lick himself, that’s basically how the Red Wings played last night.
Missing captain Joe Skufca who was in sunny Arizona, the Dead Wings were a ship without a rudder. To shore up their short bench the Wings called on super sub John MacArthur hoping to right the sinking ship that has become their season. Unfortunately, even John can’t play with a 260 pound man on his back and that’s basically what John had to deal with having Matt Snyder on his line.
The Leafs jump out to an early lead and at one point got up 3-0.
Even bringing in mid-game re-enforcement from the Whalers wasn’t enough to push the Red Wings comeback attempts. 2 Goals from Bryce Freckleton made the score respectable but the combination of Tyler “Killer” Smith on D and Talbot “Ticking Time Bomb” Stevens at forward was too much for the Dead Wings to handle.
Great goal tending from Neil Scobie locked down the Leafs victory. At one point MacArthur came in alone and decided to shot top “logo” (center of mass) – effective if you’re taking out a target from 400 yards, now so much when you’re trying to find the back of the net. In his defense, his left winger Snyder had stopped skating well before the shot attempt.
DECEMBER 5 GAME REPORTS
Penguins 4 Bruins 2
Report courtesy of Blair “The Goon” Collett
Penguins on a roll downing the Bruins and super sub Chris “Bummer” Bumbacco. Subbing for Adam Foulon (rumored to be attending AA on Mondays).
The Bruins looked uncomfortable with positional end zone play that looked organized. Craig Dunbar was overheard saying that he’s not use to seeing so many yellow shirts in the defensive zone that through off his vision. Well could also have been the laser shot by Mike O’Neil that caught Dunbar between the eyes. A quick whistle and apologies from O’Neil calmed the scene while Tiny Tim Gibson with one foot over the boards was ready to police the scene!
Penguins playing with full squad after Andrew Cleland returned from retirement vacation, not really sure what that means, have finally gelled and slowly moving up the conference standings. Still some things to work on, like shot attempts that are actually hitting the net, are a priority to winning.
Penguins were first on the board with contributions from all 3 Clelands touching the puck as Adam snips bending the twine behind ringing ears of Dunbar.
Both goalies were tested at close range and held both teams in check. Goal tally’s by Bruins were Stan Norman and Mike James (which may not be correct but he never gets any recognition for his fine play).
Penguins got 2 goals from AC, one from the El Presidente (4 in 2 games… boo ya!) and an empty net goal by Kevin “I can’t find my missing tooth” Noble
Kings 5 vs Leafs 3
Story by West Coast Reporter Dave Bancroft, LA Times
In an epic, ferocious battle, reminiscent of the historic Kings-Leafs seven game playoff series war in 1993, the Kings pulled out a hard-fought 5-3 victory. This match up turned normally peace-loving players into aggressive, nasty twits as both teams sought to prove their superiority.
The tilt started out and continued to the end with a frenetic, fast, end-to-end pace that left many of the older Kings and Maple Leafs gasping for air and begging for supplemental oxygen on the benches. In fact, the old but still quick ladies’ man Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel insisted one of his lungs collapsed about half-way through the game. In a heroic show of courage, Verbakel didn’t miss a shift as line-mate Chris “Bummer” Bumbacco used his balloon blower (he makes animal balloons for female admirers after each game) to re-fill the sagging lung. On the other bench Chuck “Chucky Doll” Parker was heard to say, “I think my heart just stopped” after a particularly strenuous shift. However, after the game, Parker clarified that statement was made after he heard an uncharacteristically jacked and potty-mouthed Talbot “Aki Berg” Stevens say on the bench in an effort to rouse the troops, “I’m buying two f—in rounds at Solid Gold after the game if we win.”
Both goalies, Shawn “The Bonecracker” Martin of the Kings and Neil “The Cat” Scobie, of the Leafs made some solid saves early on and all game for that matter, doing their best imitations of the 1993 NHL puckstoppers, the Kings’ Kelly Hrudey and Toronto’s Felix Potvin.
The Leafs opened the scoring on a goal by one of their more cocky forwards (can’t remember #). The Toronto skater was heard whispering to Martin after the goal with a grin on his face, “Get used to it Martin. You won’t be stopping many tonight.” The usually quiet and priest-like Martin proceeded to chase after the Leafs’ aggressor, screaming “I’m going to go Hextall on your ass”. Only Andrew “The Gorilla” Carruthers, the Kings behemoth defenseman and likely the new strongest man in the league (sorry Tim G), was powerful enough to hold the agitated Martin back.
The game went back and forth, 2-1, 2-2. Then about half-way through the game, Kings Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft, had a glorious scoring opportunity that made him drool more than a newly stocked buffet at Mandarin. A hard and slightly wayward pass back to a Leafs’ defense man got by him and headed down the ice. The Kings’ right-winger was after it and all alone, but after showing a disgracefully poor lack of speed, Bancroft was beaten to the disk around the blue line by the Leafs’ goalie, who came rushing out of his net. The whistle blew and a dejected Bancroft skated to his bench with his head held lower than a 81-year-old’s DD breasts, but not before Talbot yelled, “I’ve seen old cripples move faster than that Dave.” Dinner Time collapsed on the ice in a puddle of tears and only the cool, soothing voice of highly-skilled teammate Geoff “99” Curphey and the kind “We still love you Dave” comment of Tyler “Killer” Smith of the Leafs was enough to get Bancroft onto the bench.
Super sub Jeff Stokley potted two goals and fast power forward Rich “Big and Rich” Wotton added one for the Kings. “Wendel” Clark Webster had a nice goal for the Leafs.
Miraculously, Bancroft, after having a short, but crucial phone call with his sports psychologist on the bench and being reassured again by Tyler that “We still love you Dave”, returned for a final shift. With less than a minute left on the clock, he snuck in from the corner and from a bad angle directed a James van Riemsdyk-like flip shot into a small crevice about the goalie’s shoulder for the game’s final tally. Normally not a player with soft hands, Bancroft said after the game that it must have been divine intervention to compensate for the cruel treatment he had suffered at the hands of Talbot.
MNHL INVESTIGATES CHARGES OF FRAUD
Thanks to Blair Collett for this colorful commentary!
Talbot Stevens under investigation for roster tampering!
Due to unusually poor turnout for pot luck”less” Leafs, Talbot was seen scrambling to secure recruits for match with King Henry’s Black Marauders.
Pushing the panic button a bit too soon, Talbot’s offers of ice time and bowls of chili were quickly revoked when Penguins offer of sub par player was quickly refused.
Negotiations to bring on sniper Adam Cleland was debated at length but the threat of protest by Verbakle who’s roster has been depleted with the departure of Stay at home deference Matt MacDonald, (no really he’s staying at home, no pun intended) was too much for the conscientious Stevens.
It was questioned whether this was a tactic to gain access to post game review by Penguins, on fire after back to back wins over Kings and Bruins. The verdict is still out but will be monitored for disciplinary repercussions.
Penguin players were caught loitering in the lobby to see if the Leafs were dressing 10 players which they were. A bigger surprise was seeing Talbot on defense after clearing waivers and not sent down to the Silverwoods Winter wonderland league or Tuesday morning Huff and Puff.
Red Wings 8 Whalers 3
Matt Snyder Reporting…
Red Wings harpoon Dean “The Thrill” Shill and his Whalers by hanging an 8-spot on them.
Red Wings controlled the first few minutes of play before an errant curling rock shot by Mike Courtney found its way onto the ice and with just enough weight, makes it’s way over both blue lines and the red line and thru Wings goalie Scott Milne’s stick blade. It was magic he said… or was he sleeping? It was a 10:30 game after all.
The Red Wings woke up and responded by hanging a quick 7 goals on the Whalers. Klacer with 3 Bryce, George, Joe, Mike and Matt each had one for the Wings.
For the Whalers, Kevin Rupple was his usual self, attacking all over the ice. Brad Nickle and Chester were also strong but unfortunately there wasn’t enough magic left to make pucks transport thru solid wood sticks into the net.
Rupple seemed to come on late after the Red Wings got bored of scoring and stated playing “7 passes before a shot”.
NOVEMBER 28 GAME REPORTS
Bruins 7 Red Wings 4
Great barn burner of a game with little defense leaving 2 shell shocked goalies swearing up a storm in their own nets.
Red Wings start the game off with a 3 minute high pressure shift only to see the Bruins score on their first shot.
Back and forth it went, teams trading goals. Bernie Klacer puts 2 in the net to get back on track for the Wings. This 1st rounder needs to start earning his money if he wants that long term extension he craves.
Bruins get 1st goals of the year from Adam Fremeth and Chris Higgins. Dunbar took a shot off the face early and looked like it knocked some sense into him, his glove hand was flying after that.
Leafs 2 Whalers 2
A game full of spares for both teams saw a 2-2 tie in this “All Star” collection of MNHL talent. Foulon replaced Milo in a suspect swap. Upgrade in speed, downgrade in soberness hahaha.
Talbot made it 2-1 for the Leafs on a deflected shot and Foulon tied it late on a low laser.
After the game the 2 Bruins subs Dunbar and Foulon got to experience the feast that is the post-game crock pot meal and immediately after Foulon demanded a trade to Jimmy’s Whalers.
Penguins 6 Kings 3
Report courtesy of Field Report Scott Cortese
Penguins continue their crawl out of the cellar with another victory.
The sliding Kings gave up 6 goals in a 6-3 loss vs the Pens.
Tonight was the Penguins very first game of the season with the full roster dressed and they gelled like a freshly lubed whore!
Scoring 2 very nice goals for the Penguins was Adam Cleland while the commish himself netted a hatty (1 hit his stick on a Kevin Noble shot and went in, 1 trickled over the line at a snails pace on a tap in after Mike O’Neil did all the work, and one he actually shot in).
Blair flipped in a one hopper between Shawn’s legs from his side of center ice for the 6th – oops.
Rich Wotton scored on a nice wrister for the Kings. Other Kings highlights included a questionable breakaway by Chris Bumbacco which resulted in Jeff Stokley planting his molars into the crossbar and a Bumbacco penalty shot. Bumbacco caught Dave Orr backing into his net on the penalty shot and buried the Kings second goal. Shawn Martin the goalie also tripped Mike O’Neil on his wide open opportunity and Mike was crying for a penalty shot before he even hit the ice, but no sale.
On the way back to the respective locker rooms, several of the Kings discussed a possible change up in their warm up routine, clearly in mid season slump and morale is sliding apparently.
NOVEMBER 21 GAME REPORTS
Penguins 3 vs Leafs 2
Penguins pull of their 3rd win of the season to crawl out of the basement for 90 minutes (until a Red Wings tie would dump them back down the stairs).
Penguins were shy Adam “All Star” Cleland but it looks like Father Andy and Brother Evan are actually the only Clelands the Pens need.
Jeff Stokley moved up to forward and got the Pens on the board with an early goal. Leafs tied it up, most likey due to some expert stick handling by Talbot “Dave Andreychuk” Stevens.
Scott “El Presidente” Cortese and his lightning quick speed blazed up the middle thanks to a Kevin Noble outlet pass and goes top cheese on a backhand deke.
Leafs tie it again at 2-2 after a dismal Pens Power Play effort.
With 1.9 seconds left in the game Pens superstar Jeff Stokley goes top shelf to give the Pens a 3-2 Victory!
Onto Marinos for the victory party where a large number of sloppy wings were consumed then deposited directly into the toilet bowl.
Cortese compares Marino’s Chicken Wings to Cocaine. Addictive and so so bad for you, but they make you feel like a superstar for the night before a morning of shakes, sweats and sh*ts…
Whalers 5 vs Bruins 3
This game was not as close as the score would have you believe according to Ace Reporter Craig Dunbar. Adam “Cherry Pie” Foulon scored 3 late goals for the Bruins to salvage some self-respect thanks to 2 classic Foulon like break-aways.
The game started off slow thanks to the deep piled of snow that helped control the Whalers precision passing.
The TSN Turning Point was an “offside” goal that made it 2-0 Whalers. The Bruins reacted in President Trump like fashion with several negative gestures and comments before being punished (much like the American People will be punished for the next 4 years) with some thinking time in the ol’ Penalty Box.
Whalers made it 3-0 on the ensuing Power Play and it was all down hill for there (again, heading in the same direction as the American economy).
Crazy Legs Dunbar had a moral victory keeping Kevin Rupple to only 1 goal. Blair “Tower of Power” Alton popped one in from the point. Happy Birthday to Blair!
Red Wings 6 Kings 6
A barn burner played out on the snow covered pond behind Carling Arena (or maybe that’s how it felt due to the 2 huge mounds of snow in the middle of the rink).
The pre-game strategy from Wings Captain Joe included loading up a “Power Line” with Marquis, Klacer and Snyder… Snyder thrilled — it’s the 1st time he’s ever been put on the 1st line in his life, including back in 1/2 ice tyke — unfortunately the only powerful move he could muster was powerfully putting his line mates offside with an extra powerful move at the blue line.
Kings jump out to a 2-0 lead before the 1st shift was over and everyone felt like it was “going to be one of those nights” but the Red Wings — the little team that could — fought back actually capturing the lead and controlling the pace for a good chunk of time.
3-2 Wings… Kings tie… 4-3 Wings… Kings tie…. 5-4 Wings… Kings tie… 6-5 Wings… Kings able to tie it late and salvage a point.
Amazing save from Scott Milne in the dying minutes preserves the point for the Red Wings who actually looked like they could have won the game handily.
The echo’s of Henry’s blown breakaway still rings thru the rafters at Carling.
Henry says “enough is enough” after the game, throws the beer down the drain and and orders the boys back on the ice for some break away practice.
NOVEMBER 15 – MNHL HOT STOVE REPORT
MNHL Insiders are reporting that offers for Talbot’s services are increasing daily, including some offers from his own team the Leafs to stay home.
Trade winds are starting to blow that Jimmy has offered a full pack of napkins for Talbot and the Leafs are strongly considering it.
The Leafs, fresh off their 2 game winning streak since moving Talbot off defense have seen a line up of forwards offering to move back to D to ensure Talbot stays up front.
Talbot, always willing to do what it takes to win, has been reported to sense impending doom. If the Leafs can win 2 games with him playing forward, how many can they win with him as a healthy scratch?
We’ll continue to monitor this story.
NOVEMBER 14 GAME REPORTS
Whalers 4 Kings 2
Whalers are able to capture an important 2 points with a win over the Kings. In the 5 minutes I caught, it looked like Dean “The Thrill” Shill had his glove hand working over time and Kevin “Straight Outta St. Thomas” Rupple was doing his dipsy-doodle thru the Kings defense to create tough chances.
Talbot sparing for the Kings on the night of their 2nd loss. Coincidence or….
Jimmy heard in the lobby with his beer in a sock, accosting his team verbally to “shoot the puckkkkk” but the 1st one to celebrate the win in the dressing room. That’s just good, solid management if you ask me.
“If the boys can’t take a little heat, then tell them to get out of the kitchen” Jimmy tells reporters after the game.
Red Wings 5 Penguins 4
Hard hitting affair between the 2 tenants of the MNHL basement.
Mike O’Neill looking to lay the lumber on Red Wings players and the Carling rink boards. Keep your head up in the corners with this big boy.
Red Wings call up a Russian import spare Henryski Verbakelov
Blair “The Goon” Collett opens the scoring after being left all alone at the point by Matt Snyder and having his shot trickle thru the 5 hole.
Asked to comment on the defensive lapse, Snyder responded that “he didn’t think Blair had it in him”. When reminded that Blair has recorded 17 career goals directly off of Snyder’s defensive mistakes, Snyder simply shrugged. Even a broken watch is right twice a day I guess.
Mike Marquis responds for the Wings with a 1 man effort and Snyder pounces on a rebound like a mouse on a dirty piece of cheese to put the Wings up 2-1.
Adam “All Star” Cleland pops one to bring it back to evens.
A couple other scorers go back and forth before Red Wings Comeback Player of the Year Vinny “The Italian Stallion” Curcio — fresh off his 1st career MNHL goal — decides “I think I’ll score 2” and pops the game winner to give him 3 goals in 2 games.
That’s a streak boys.
MNHL Vet Rod Mitchell took a fall into the boards late in the game. Here’s hoping for a fast return and nothing too serious.
Bruins 3 Leafs 1
With Talbot “Jason Blake” Stevens playing his 3rd game at forward for the Leafs, the Leafs team was begging him to stay up front. Talbot obliged.
Talbot played the wing like a lost child in a mall, looking for mommy at every turn. Steve “Show Time” Adams helps the Bruins get on the board when he tried his best to draw a 2 minute penalty by jumping on the back of Talbot but unfortunately for Talbot the ref was looking away. This Talbot sure knows how to get under the Bruins skin.
“Wendel” Clark Webster returns from injury and is advised to stay 20 feet from all boards. Ignoring this request, he drives the crease and comes to a sudden stop thanks to “Tiny” Tim Gibson and Craig “Crazy Legs” Dunbar — no injuries to report.
Bruins called up super sub Ryan “The Stud” Beliveau — no mention of his fan club showing up. He channeled his inner “Foulon” and got the Bruins on the board.
Strong goaltending kept this game tied until the final minutes when Steve “Show Time” Adams would have the last laugh finding the back of the net to give the Bruins the lead.
Murray “The Chef” Pratt would seal the deal by stuffing the puck into the empty net similar to how he would stuff a Turkey with dressing with just a hint of sage and garlic, mmmm smells delicious.
November 7th Game Reports
Reports of many players reading the schedule wrong due to an issue with the email reminders (apparently the dashes confused some of the boys).
Cortese seen lurking around the rink at 8:30 for a 10:30 start. Hopefully he found an open bar to kill the 2 hour wait.
Hey, if Jimmy can figure it out on his flip phone with no data, no excuses for anyone.
Leafs 5 Red Wings 3
A classic Norris Division slug-fest had the Leafs sneak away with a 5-3 win over the undermanned Red Wings (thanks to Dan “The Man” Kelly misreading the schedule and showing up at 10:00).
Tyler “Killer” Smith was the hero of the night, countless assists (at least 9 by his accounts) and a sweet goal (or 2) helped solidify this legend. A banner raising at Carling Arena is planned for next Monday night for old #93 of the Leafs (hopefully an early retirement as well).
The Red Wings welcomed back Bernie “El Sombrero” Klacer who chipped in with a natural hat trick for the Wings. Scott “Big Scotty” Milne was strong despite regular lapses of a basic understanding of defensive zone play from the Red Wings.
Neil “The Cat” Scobie was amazing for the Leafs including a “shut your mouth” glove save on Bernie in the last seconds of the game. Bernie checked his stick and confirmed it was not broken. Scobie had his number.
Red Wings complained of an illegal player. Allegations that Talbot gave his jersey and equipment to a spry young 21 year old ex-junior forward. No way that Talbot could look that calm and patient with the puck in only his 2nd game ever at forward (records were checked back to half-ice Mite).
Confirmed, it was in fact Talbot. Safe to say his 45 year long experiment as a defense man is over for good.
A Leaf goes down late with an unfortunate injury. I believe it was “Wendal” Clark Webster who caught an edge and went into the end boards.
Both teams showed excellent sportsmanship assisting our fallen brother to his feet.
Best wishes on a fast return.
The loss drops the Wings way down. The return of Frank “The Tank” Erle is much needed for the Winged Wheelers.
Kings 2 Bruins 1
A playoff like game between the Bruins and Kings. Great goal tending from both sides. No further details coming out of the West Coast.
PEnguins 5 Whalers 1
Penguins were victorious, 5-1 (with the help of 3 fill ins (Talbot, Tyler, and Sean O’Dwyer).
Those guys got almost half of the Penguins goals.
Adam “All Star” Cleland scored a beauty breakaway goal. Blair Collett danced around tall Blair Alton like he was a baton twirling 3 year old to score his goal, and Scott “El Presidente” Cortese potted a typical garbage goal out front to round it out.
Not sure who scored for the whalers but it was a nice high corner shot.
Tyler Smith, pulling double duty, got the only penalty when he lost his balance, spun around, and tripped someone on the backs wing / follow thru.
Jimmy was nowhere to be seen, maybe up in the booth watching game replays.
Talbot, Tyler, and Sean reported to the Penguins room fresh from a pot of post game Leafs chili. Tyler looked green halfway thru the game.
MNHL INSIDERS REPORT
MNHL Insider Bob McKenzie reports that the Penguins have offered 2 bottles of No Frills brand Hot Sauce and 16 McDonalds napkins Blair found in his glove box to have Talbot stay with the Leafs.
Jimmy said he would take Talbot on the Whalers if the Penguins would give him one of those napkins to wrap around his beer.
BREAKING MNHL TRADE RUMORS
Talbot Stevens is rumored to be on the Trading Block.
According to the MNHL insiders, in what would be an MNHL first, Talbot Stevens may be on his way to becoming the first captain to be put on the trading block by his own team.
After a dismal performance on D against the Whalers in which the Leafs lost 5-1, a Mutiny on the HMS Maple Leaf was starting to develop.
Our confidential informant provided this insight: “Yes
I myself Talbot was on the ice for all 5 goals against. Yes 4 of them came on my Talbots side of the ice. Yes most of the team wanted to know the rules about trading me the Captain.”
When asked what the Leafs would be looking for in return for Talbot, the resounding response was “Hot Sauce and Napkins for our post-game meals”.
Unfortunately, no team was willing to part with the Napkins. The Penguins did offer a 1/2 empty bottle of Franks, but on second thought, they decided it was probably cheaper to just offer up Blair. The Leafs declined this offer.
Humble enough to accept the feedback — and fearing that he could be ousted from his own post-game food buffet — Talbot decided to demote himself to forward.
The result? A 3-1 Leafs win over the mighty Kings.
I guess we can start calling him “Talbot Domi”.
(Note: The confidential informant was Talbot)
October 24th Game Reports
Kings 5 Penguins 3
The Kings win 5-3 and remain a lightning quick force to be reckoned with.
Penguins actually gave them a decent run and got within 1 goal but couldn’t fight them off for long. Henry “The Million Dollar Man” Verbakel, Rich “Big and Rich” Wotten and #99 (The Great One) scored for the Kings while Adam “All Star” Cleland had 2 of the Pens 3 goals.
Kings scored a controversial goal that was disallowed seconds before the center ice puck drop as the Ref said a mysterious whistle had sounded. Who were the Penguins to complain?
Pens absent Blair, Hired Gun John MacArthur filled in (in what may be the most lop-sided upgraded spare in MNHL history).
Good news though, Blair arrived just in time for the final buzzer to claim unearned post game beers.
Bruins 4 Red Wings 3
A great MNHL game that saw spectacular goal tending from both Craig “Crazy Legs” Dunbar of the Bruins and Scott “The Glove” Milne of the Wings and a last minute “goal” that put the Bruins in the win column for the first time.
Scoring opens when Big Tim takes advantage of a bad Red Wings change and walks in on Milne, slap shot? Nooooooooooo, Tim shows some finesse and goes low glove side. Bruins up 1-0.
Wings respond quickly. Hired Gun John MacArthur (subbing for Bernie) leads an attack. Matt Snyder with a shot from the slot, chases his own rebound and like the raccoon who rip into your garbage, finds a nice hot, juicy rebound sitting in front that he bangs in to tie it at 1-1.
Back and forth it goes. Murray “The Chef” Pratt adds a little spice to the game with a rebound of his own to put the Bruins up 2-1. Bryce “Young Gun” Freckleton ties it again for the Wings with some nifty hands on a tight angle. Dunbar is not amused. Red Wings don’t care. 2-2.
Bruins take the lead 3-2 with 8 minutes left but Joe “Captain Comeback” Skufca says “oh no you don’t” and buries yet another tying goal.
Last minute. Foulon jumps the boards, he’s been sleeping all night and the Red Wings aren’t about to wake him up but suddenly, the puck is on his stick and his alarm is beeping. Foulon does a patented Adam Foulon swoop down the wing and Foulon is FOU-GONE. He cuts into the middle backhand, forehand, backhand, off the…. back post? Off the crossbar? It happened so fast that we can’t be sure. The referee signals a goal and Foulon is certain that it was in.
Controversy? Not in the MNHL. Bruins take the 2 points and yet again, Foulon shows some magic.
Whalers 4 Leafs 2
Thanks to guest Journalist Alex “The Animal” Peterson. Fresh off his call up to the big show, this super-sub goaltender took a run at game reporting and unlike the Leafs who he played net for, earned 2 points for his contribution.
If the game was decided in the first ten minutes, or if possession time counted, the Leafs would have won in a walk.
The Leafs sealed up in the Whalers end, resulting in two quick tallies…but then the puck decided to take a “Leafs bounce” or two – and not of the favorable kind for the grey buds.
A couple of weird bounces tied the game. The first shot, from behind the net, looked like someone has been spending too much time in the pool hall, caroming it in off the back of the Leafs call-up goalie Alex “The Animal” Peterson.
That seemed to breathe life into what was starting to look like a beached Whale..er…team. The next goal came from an attempted Whaler pass – again from behind the Leaf net – that pin-balled off of various legs and trickled over the goal line to tie it up.The Leafs kept moving the puck into the Whalers end and won most of the battles behind the net and up the boards, but couldn’t get a lot of clear shots out in front with all those big fish clogging up the slot. When the Leafs got the puck to the net, the Whalers goalie Dean “The Thrill” Shill kept the door of his twine hut bolted tight.
Leafs Captain Talbot Stevens doing his best impression of a young Al Iafrate was quoted after the game as saying “Mother *bleep* Dean and his *bleep* left side glove hand, can someone get this *bleep* guy a *bleep* glove that goes on the right *bleep* side. Needless to say, Talbot was cheesed (much like the cheesy lasagna that would be enjoyed post game).
At the other end, the Whalers made the most of their sporadic breakouts, occasionally keeping the puck inside the Leafs blue line with some sustained pressure. They went up 3-2 on one of those efforts by taking advantage of a fat rebound. Still, the Leafs found a crack in the Whalers’ seawall and tied it up with some determined play. The Leafs seemed to once again have the momentum on their side…only to channel their namesakes in Toronto by allowing a couple of late goals.
A nice tic-tack-toe from the right face off circle to the left side of the slot resulted in an wide-open cage, and the Whalers were up once again. A couple of rushes later and a hard knuckle ball shot arcing over the right shoulder of the Leafs backup tender put the game on ice.
Despite pulling the goalie for the extra attacker, then keeping the Whalers hemmed in on their side of center for the game’s final minutes, the Leafs couldn’t find the back of the net. The night wasn’t a total loss though, there was restaurant-grade lasagna in the dressing room.
October 17th Game Reports
Kings 7 (8…9…10) Red Wings 1 (or 2)
They say that money can’t buy happiness. Henry’s Kings is proving that is incorrect. As the only team in the MNHL with an active payroll, King Henry’s Kings may be the best team money can buy.
Another impressive win last night has rumblings of collusion and unbalance in the MNHL dressing rooms (mostly from the Red Wings room… mostly from Matt Snyder).
The law firm of Verbakel, Bumbacco and Bancroft was serving notice last night that goals were the accusation and they were guilty as charged. In a game that may have actually seen the Red Wings lead in quality chances, they Wings were continually unable to find the back of the net thanks to the solid goal tending of Shawn “Bone Cracker” Marten (he was a dream cracker last night).
Bumbacco had multiple goals including a beautiful spin and fire from the slot. An 8 minute lapse where the Red Wings stopped skating and their constant inability to bury pucks into wide open nets allowed this game to get much more out of hand then it should have been.
Red Wings goal from Bryce”Young Gun” Freckleton who found the back of the net in his 1st of many MNHL goals.
Verbakel upto his usual mind tricks, heckling Snyder from the bench about Snyders countless missed opportunities. At one point Verbakel told Snyder that if he missed another chance, he was going to call his parents.
Whalers 3 vs Bruins 3
A classic back and forth game that saw Bruins long time sniper Adam “Cherry Pie” Foulon, Steve Adams and Murray “The Chef” Pratt score for the Yellow Bears.
The Whalers were shorthanded (a case of the Bruins Flu?) but Kevin Rupple was a 1 man wrecking crew scoring all 3 goals for the Whalers.
Bruins Goalie Craig “Crazy Legs” Dunbar hopes to increase his save percentage against Kevin to over 25% for the next contest.
Penguins 7 vs Leafs 2
Blair’s Penguins secured their first win of the season with a 7-2 victory over Talbot “Todd Gill” Stevens and his mighty Leafs.
Steve Alb the returning vet sparing for the Pens scored 2 goals along with Kevin “The Prince” Noble who also had 2.
Pens goalie David “Bobby” Orr played a hell of a game in net for the Baby Blues, detering many Leafs 2 on 1’s and 3 on 1’s (thanks to the sub par defense of Blair we can assume).
Tyler “Killer” Smith got a beauty tip in for the Leafs.
No penalties to report as the ref seemed to be more concerned with the score of the Jays game.
October 10th Game Reports
Leafs 2 Bruins 2
The new 9pm start time tripped up a few of the MNHL vets:
Adam “On Time” Foulon showed up 15 minutes late, let’s assume happy hour at Marino’s ran long.
Chuck “Chucky Doll” Parker showed up for the 10pm game and played… as a spare for the Whalers.
“Wendal” Clark Webster sporting #17 for the Leafs opened the scoring with a shot that was missed by the game reporter. The media informed him he should wait until Talbot is “watching” before scoring goals in the future. After requesting a video replay of his goal, he was sad to learn that in the MNHL there is no video review because it’s a mens beer league and not the pros.
Foulons arrival was key for the Bruins as he got them on the board at 1-1 with a seeing-eye backhander thru the 5-hole of “The Cat” Scobie.
Murray “The Chef” Pratt showed he was worth the big money contract given to him by the Bruins this summer when he deftly redirected a loose puck to take the lead at 2-1 for the Bruins.
Fighting back though, the Leafs and their surly Irishman Sean O’Dwyer slid the tying goal past Dunbar and countless bodies to tie it at 2 each.
Leafs Captain Talbot Stevens showed another strong performance, channeling his innerAki Berg to lead his team to a hard earned point.
Talbot commented that if Parker was on time, the Leafs would have won for sure. Negotiations with Parkers Agent to ensure he is on time next week are ongoing.
Red Wings 3 Penguins 1
This game saw the 10:30 start delayed by pre-game ceremonies honoring Penguins Captain Blair “Goon” Collett for playing 2 consecutive games without bitching at the refs. So much for the early ice times.
Puck drop between the winless Wings and the winless Pens, one of them would come out with the valuable 2 points (unless there was a tie).
Red Wings jump on the board early on a George “End to End, Back to his Own End” Balicki goal. George made a habit of circling… and circling… and circling all night in his own zone. If Wings captain Joe Skufca wasn’t stressed enough, this really put him over the top.
Penguins stud Adam “All Star” Cleland earns his money with a goal that ties it at 1-1 but for most of the night, the Wings Defense was all over him like Scott Cortese is all over some insurance defrauding deadbeat.
At the 3/4 mark, a giveaway puts Skufca in front of the net with the puck on his stick and bing-bang-boom he gets it done quicker then Bernie Klacer signing a mortgage deal. Red Wings up 2-1.
Mike O’Neill throwing the body around. Someone tell him that it’s a non-contact league. Better yet someone get him a cloth to wipe his visor off. Is he a goon or can he simply not see where he’s going? Too early to tell.
Marquis is a Tasmanian Devil out there. Goals are sure to come for the man with the energizer battery in his back.
Last minute, Penguins buzzing. Matt Snyder out to hold off the Penguins last charge, is able to kill precious seconds in the corner all the while avoiding puking up Turkey dinner. Snyder ends the game with the empty net goal to extend his goal streak to 2 (5 goals in his last 3 MNHL games if you’re counting… because he definitely is).
Kings 4 vs Whalers 2
2 games into the season and Captain Jimmy has already lost the league issued spare jerseys. Money well spent by the MNHL.
Minimal updates provided. Henry is refusing to speak to reporters and Jimmy can’t find the send button on his cell phone to text in an update.
We were able to find out that the Kings Dave “Dinner Time” Bancroft had 2 goals including the empty netter to seal the deal. Henry himself graced us with his presence and scored a goal and Rich “Big and Rich” Wotten also had one.
Kevin “Straight Outta St. Thomas” Rupple had 1 for the Whalers.
We were able to capture a picture of Carling Arena moments before Henry’s “Million Dollar Team” arrived via their team limo.
Best team money can buy!
October 3rd Game Reports
The leaves are turning. The weather is getting colder. It’s time for MNHL Hockey. 3 games on tap for opening night at Carling Arena. Let’s get down to it.
Whalers 4 Penguins 2
Is Old Jimmy McCormick fooling us all? Is he actually an evil genius when it comes to organizing beer league hockey? Is Blair destined for yet another season of jersey switching and beer list forgetting tom-foolery?
After 1 game it would appear these are all true.
With a clear vision, tasty food and stunning green jerseys, Jimmys Whalers were able to get the 1st win of the 2016 MNHL season dumping 4 goals on the Penguins and playing lock down defense.
Despite looking completely disheveled before puck drop, the pre-game speech and chalk talk from Captain Jim sure appears to have been the deciding factor in this victory.
While they may be the best dressed team in the MNHL, the mighty Penguins got off to a rough start due to the breaking in of new pads for goalie David “Bobby” Orr.
The Penguins (self reported) “dominated” the game yet were unable to capitalize as Dean “The Thrill” Shill and his 20 year old oven mitts stymied most of the Pens chances.
A goal from “Captain Incredible” Blair Collett that found it’s way top chedder.
The Penguins filed an official complaint with League President / Resident Right Winger Scott Cortese about the referee putting up a 5-2 score on the scoreboard when in fact it was only 4-2 Whalers. Newly retired Andy Cleland apparently showed a bit too much of his “retired” lifestyle on the back check.
For the Whalers, Kevin Rupple buried 3 goals for Captain Jimmy, must be the aero-dynamics (insert bald joke).
Aside from Kevin Noble’s nifty hand-eye coordination goal, no other Penguins scorers reported, Captain Blair stopped watching after he got his goal.
But as they have learned from past experiences, any game with beer in the dressing room is a good game for the baby blue Pens.
A post game trip to Marino’s for the Pens lead to some early morning “toilet talk”… verdict on the Marino’s chicken wings is still up in the air.
Leafs 5 Red Wings 4
Some players were born to wear certain jerseys. Michael Jordan was born to be a Chicago Bull. Mario Lemieux was born to be a Pittsburgh Penguin and Bernie Klacer was born to be an MNHL Red Wing.
In an old Norris division battle the Red Wings battled back from 2 goals down with 15 minutes to go but a late Leafs goal put them ahead for good.
This game was evenly matched between 2 teams who should contend this year for a playoff spot.
Matt Snyder broke the seal early with his 1st of the season. If you’re a betting man it’s a safe assumption that goals for Snyder will be few and far between. Snyder flew around the ice for the first 10 minutes of play. Did he lose weight this off season? No.. he actually found some weight. After the 10 minute mark (run time including warm ups) this big truck of a man slowed right down.
Talbot Stevens looked like a young Dimitri Mironov on the back end for the Leafs (in a new addition to this years game reports, every week I’ll be comparing Talbot to a different washed up Maple Leafs Defenseman from the 80’s and 90’s which should provide great on ice trash talk ammo).
Chuck “Chucky Doll” Parker made his debut for the Leafs after a long and illustrious career with the Bruins, when asked to comment after the game on the move to the Leafs, he responded “foods good”.
Red Wings savvy vet Frank “Duke of” Erle returning to the league after a season in Europe showed the hands of a baby angel finding the net on a stellar play only a man of experience and knowledge would consider making.
Tyler Smith embraced the trade to the Leafs, sporting matching grey socks, color coordinated as ever and sporting ol’ Killers #93, Smith is poised for a great year… or a terrible year… it’s much too early to tell with anyone in this league.
Leafs tender Neil “The Cat” Scobie was a brick house in net. His size left the Red Wings bench shaking their heads many times during the game.
Newcomer Bryce Freckleton looked to be in far too good of shape for this level, did some “illegal” off season cardio assist him during the game?
Back and forth opening half, that saw the Leafs jump out to a 4-2 leads. Red Wings battle back and tie it up with around 6 minutes left but the Leafs bounce right back and find the net once again to go back up 5-4. Red Wings buzz late but can’t get one past Scobie and the Leafs win a tight game.
Kings 9 Bruins 1
Not much news coming out of the late game. Must be the West Coast time difference.
Henry “The Leagues Most Interesting Man” Verbakel claims to have put together a dream team and they looked the part in an opening night with a run away victory over the Bruins.
Verbakel was absent for the game, could it be a case of “addition by subtraction?” but super spare John “Hired Gun” MacArthur was spotted in the Black and Silver so, all was not lost.
Big talk in the Kings dressing room was who would get to wear #99.
In good news, the XXL jersey for “Tiny” Tim Gibson looked to be a perfect fit so that’s a relief to the league funds, those 3XL jerseys are expensive.
Craig “Crazy Legs” Dunbar looked perplexed after the game and text requests from the media for a game recap were left un-returned.
Safe to assume that Foulon was playing his end to end style, more their end then his own.
Also, this reporter thinks he saw Gibson playing up front, could a change in positions for the Bruins big D-Man be in order?
Only time will tell.
As for the Kings, Henry and his “Million Dollar Team” look to be enjoying the Hollywood Lifestyle in their fearsome black jerseys. Will this translate into a MNHL Cup Championship?
2016 Draft Results
Sept 16, 2016
The 2016 MNHL Draft took place last night in New York City (thanks to Scott for paying for the hotels and flights)
(Click here to see the full results)
The 6 captains and league commissioner showed up, each with their own strategy on how to build a 1 year MNHL dynasty:
– Commissioner Cortese was booed by the crows before he laid out the rules of the night which basically involved making sure no-one took 2 goalies
– Treasurer / Director of Hockey Operations Tyler reported on the financials and then was last seen in the kitchen on his 3rd beer
– Henry came well prepared with a team of consultants including an analytics department, fitness and medical team and a salary cap expert.
– Blair’s strategy included only drafting players who’s beer choice fell in line with his beer preference.
– Talbot patrolled the internet rumors to see if anyone was coming off an unreported off season injury (“gotta stay away from those ACL tears” says Talbot)
– Joe, in his return to the league, sat quietly biding his time before his surprise pick of the night.
– Tim selected goalie Craig Dunbar and then left guaranteeing himself a championship.
– Jimmy looked confused and spent most of the night playing on his iPhone (his iPhone was later discovered to be an old calculator)
– Matt Snyder was seen outside petitioning to be the #1 pick. He was not allowed inside.
By virtue of being an expansion team, 1st pick went to the MNHL Whalers lead by non-playing Captain / GM / Water Boy / # 1 Critique Jimmy McCormick…
“… And with the 1st selection in the MNHL Draft, the Whalers select… MATT SNYDER (Wait… What?… That’s weird?)”
Moments after, Jimmy realized his error asking “Matt Snyder is that huge defense man from the Bruins with the blistering shot, right?”
When informed that no, this was in fact Big Tim, Jimmy immediately traded Matt Snyder to Blair in exchange for the last piece of pizza. Blair then immediately cut Matt Snyder who was claimed on waivers by Joe’s Red Wings only because everyone was required to have 10 players. All in all it was an emotional night for Matt Snyder,
“… and with the 2nd overall pick in the MNHL Draft, Blair Collett of the Penguins selected… Himself”. When asked to comment, Blair said “I felt like I was the best player on the board”.
The draft continues with sizzling action. At the end of the night all the captains were happy except Jimmy, but Jimmy is never happy so that’s nothing new.
2016 Captains Announced
Sept 6, 2016
The MNHL announced their 6 team captains for 2016/2017. As captains, these 6 young bucks will be tasked with making sure there is a proper beer schedule in place, ensuring spares are called and organizing 6am bag skates after disappointing losses in addition to making demotions to the minors, balancing salary cap requirements, ensure MNHL payroll compliance etc.
Your MNHL Captains:
“The Champion” Talbot Stevens
Joe “Don’t Call it a Comeback!” Skufca
“Tiny” Tim Gibson
Henry “The Worlds Most Intersting Man” Verbakel
Jim “Big Jimmy” McCormick
Blair “Big Goon” Collett
Don’t worry, Big Jimmy was informed that as Captain, he can no longer travel room to room looking for beer handouts. I doubt he will comply though.
2016 Expansion / Relocation Teams
Aug 22, 2016
Lots of things happening in the MNHL. With expansion and relocation dominating the newspapers, there’s lots to report.
Lots of debate at the league office. Commissioner Scott wanted to spring for new jerseys. Webmaster Matt went to work with some preliminary designs. Chief Financial Officer Tyler crunched the numbers and finally, after lots of “please dad, can we please…” he said ok and took the hardest hit he will take all year, to the league cheque book. But it looks like all 6 teams will be in new jerseys for 2016.
Unable to get an arena deal done, the MNHL Champion Blackhawks will become the MNHL Red Wings. The MNHL Bruins will remain in place with their long lasting history in tact. The MNHL Penguins will also return sporting their baby blues. The Stars of yesteryear will move to become the MNHL Whalers.
In Expansion news, the MNHL welcomes the MNHL Maple Leafs and on the West Coast, the MNHL Kings.
Stay tuned for the 2016 MNHL Draft to see where you end up.