MNHL Inside Report
By MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie
King Henry’s call out for A replacement to unreliable Johnny ” pickled” Mcarther, had Henry scrambling when Johnny bailed last minute.
With little time to waste Henry found replacement and dressed 2 players with the same jersey number. Fortunately the only person in the arena confused with the number selection was Jimmy “Gene Simmons” McCormick who was scrambling to find Henry’s call up in his mysterious clip board.
Still trying to figure out if Jimmie is carrying this attache to haul around his last will and testament or if its the Honey Due list from his mom. This folder rarely leaves Jimmies possession and only opened to track down give away by Commissioner Cortese
Bruins blow out of Leafs has Tim Gibson contemplating tweaking his line up with much needed A player. It seems like the 11-3 punishment of the Leafs has Tim in better spirits and enjoying the extra ice time. We’ll see if an A player gets the tap for a reinvigorated Bruins line up next week.
MNHL All Stars…
Niagara Falls MNHL all stars represented the forest city over the weekend.
With only one win to show for their efforts, Commission Cortese was left wondering if these were really all stars or just a collection of best fits willing to sacrifice some pride for a weekend away with the boys.
The only thing certain for this team was an early retirement from the bar scene for Johny “i cant feel my face” Mcarthur who was escorted out of yet another drinking establishment. More news on this eventful weekend will surface as flashbacks from the weekend unfold.
November 13 Game Reports
Penguins 5 Kings 3
Kings late addition still not enough to push over Pens
With another early game start time that seems to disrupt the Pens offence the baby blue where able to post an early 3-0 lead led by leading rookie candidate Jeff Conway.
His stealth play and canonizing snap shot helped the Pens push back the aggressive kings lead by pick pocket-er Murray Pratt. Pens usually dependable D man(do we really need to point out the guilty candidate- OK IT WAS ME-Captian Collett) was pressured by onslaught of Kings forwards coughed up the puck to Pratt who went one on one with Shill. needless to say when Pratt beat goaltender Shill he was non to happy with his D.
Another unusual mishap at Pens blue line resulted in another give away which Kings capitalize on and brought the Kings within one. after pep talk on the bench the Pens lead by recent trio of MNHL niagara falls all stars, Wooooooton, Duffy and Smith found the chemistry they developed at the Falls and delivered 2 more tallies to give the pens some breathing room.
Late addition and mystery D man call up by King Henry was rewarded with late goal energizing the Kings giving hope for a late comeback. with 3 minutes left on the clock the curfew buzzer rang out to the dismay of the surging Kings.
Bruins 11 Leafs 3
In the most straight forward game report in MNHL history, the Leafs sucked and the Bruins were awesome.
Between 3 and 8 goals from spare Murray Pratt and some highway robbery from Craig Dunbar left the Leafs contemplating their place in the league after last nights 1 sided affair.
When asked about the execution of the Leafs last night, Captain Talbot said “I’m all for it”
Talbot at one point benched himself from defense. Snyder at many points benched him self from back checking.
After the game many Leafs were re-introduced to their goalie David Orr who may or may not have cried in the corner of the dressing room post game.
Red Wings 8 Whalers 5
With Adam missing, younger brother Evan Cleland picked up the slack with 3 goals for the Red Wings and dad Andy chipped 1 in himself on route to an 8-5 win for the Wings.
Blair Alton, Frank Erle and Andrew Caruthers each had 1 for the Wings as well and Syl Pepe had his 1st career MNHL goal.
The Red Wings bounced back after last weeks massive defeat to the Leafs.
MNHL Tournament Report
This past weekend the MNHL All Stars travelled to Niagara Falls to participate in an international high stakes hockey tournament.
While the All Stars were defeated on the ice, reports indicate they won at the Hooters post game.
MNHL Commissioner Scott Cortese was even seen attempting to recruit new players.. could expansion into the Niagara region be in the MNHL future?
November 6 Game Reports
Leafs 10 Red Wings 5
Smelling an opportunity to move from second from the bottom to second in the
standings, the Leafs feasted, Thanksgiving-style, on the Wings last night.
Red Wings star Adam Cleland shows up in time for the 2nd period but the Leafs score early and often.
Kevin Rupple gorged himself with 4 goals, with Kevin Noble, John Lierman, and Geoff Curphey each double dipping by scoring twice.
The puck was in the Wings’ zone so long at times, that Orr, the Leafs’ goalie, found time to cook up some pulled pork to enjoy after the game to celebrate the victory.
Afterwards Snyder received a text from an unknown Leaf letting him know the league is now moving to Argyle Arena. Snyder has his suspicious that this may be a ploy by the team to have him miss more games, but none the less, will report to Argyle next week.
Penguins 4 Bruins 1
Bob Andersen didn’t score… Bruins lose. Simple report….
After giving up 9 to the Pens in the first meeting between these two, only surrendering 4 felt like a huge victory to Dunbar. Plus he stopped Wotton on one of his 3 breakaways!!!
Bruins were short staffed having a couple of late cancellations (the Leafs – Golden Knights post game show was too good to miss!) so big Tim enlisted Brad Nickle and Kevin Rupple. The Bruins really appreciated their help especially since Kevin risked not getting the pulled pork sandwiches provided by the Leafs (Saint Jimmy saved some for our two relievers thankfully).
While their speed helped (even after playing for 90 min) the Pens D was a wall and the few times the Bruins broke through Dean ‘the thrill’ Shill was almost impenetrable. Only big Tim managed to score on a laser low blocker side.
The only scary moment of the game was when Mike O’Neill went down at mid ice complaining of a cracking sound in his neck. After a few minutes down he was able to get up. After a bit of icing he even made his way to Marino’s for some real recovery (that’s taking mandatory Marino’s night seriously!).
We all hope all is okay!
Penguins back to wining ways with 4-1 win over the Bruins.
Bruins still searching for A player replacement called up Kevin Rupple to fill the void. having just played the prior game and filled the net in a dominating win over the Red Wings, Rupple was held off the score sheet as Penguins D shut down the Bruins. some crisp passing by well coach Pens had them on the board early with Rich Wooooooooton finding the back of the net.
Aggressive fore-checking continued to bottle up the Bruins creating numerous chances that were denied by Dunbar and his trusty mitt. the Pens went up by two when sure handed and recent skate upgraded Steve Boone feathered a shot over Dunbar who was expecting another disk in the webbing of his catching glove. with the Pens seemingly in control of the game Penguins untimely turnover late in first period allowed Timmie two tonne shot, Gibson, to bury a wrister past Shill, who escaped without injury
Speaking of injuries a mid ice collision between two MNHL veterans, Mike O’Neil and Brad Nickle resulted in a premature call out to off ice duty official with 911 speed dial at the ready Jim steady hands McCormick, miss-dialed the number and called his Uber taxi instead (I think its actually his Mom). When the dust settled Nickle was ignored and slumped back to his bench while a collection of Pens and Bruins gathered for prayer session around the injured Penquin. Looked like feeding time at Marineland. O’Neil was helped off the ice and game resumed with a late goal by Rich Woooooooooton solidifying the win
All good on the injury front, both participants were later seen at Marino’s retelling there story which nobody really cared about.
Whalers 7 Kings 4
crushed the jewels from it!
lump to show for it.
shrapnel all over the ice while Murray Pratt circled to the left the whole game because he hasn’t learned how to turn to his right yet, or he lost an edge but that doesn’t sound as good.Mandatory Marinos was a solid success once again, clearing out at 2:30 am…a lot of half ass production going on out there right now by the MNHL’ers, who like days of old, have day jobs to supplement their hockey careers.
October 30 Game Reports
Leafs 3 Penguins 2
Game Report… in Poem Form….
Leafs were hungry tonight and not just for the food.
They wanted to beat the Pens, Blair said that would be rude.
But Talbot don’t care. No Talbot don’t worry.
“That big win is coming, it will arrive in a hurry”
The ref wasn’t interested, in calling off sides.
Dean started to argue, Deans game started to slide.
The Leafs sure were tryin’. Kevin Rupple was flyin’.
Joe had the game winner. A beauty, no lyin’
The Leafs lead 3-2. Penguins don’t know what to do.
Blair starts rushing the puck. Wotton jumps up to.
The Pens better hurry…. Trying to tie it with a flurry?
OH NO… THE REF ENDS THE GAME ONE MINUTE EARLY!
Leafs celebrate with glee. Penguins are un-happy
Talbot calls another penalty, he was basically tonight’s referee.
Leafs 3 Penguins 2… The Losers Version
Breaking News – Productive Pens grounded after historical MNHL start
After a 5 game undefeated streak and lots of rumors regarding pending trades the Penguins were brought back down to ice as the yet to be turned Leafs outlasted the persistent Pens 3-2.
Penguins looked to be continuing with their winning ways with early goal by dominate D man Jeff beating Leafs Goalie Dave “Not Bobby” Orr low stick side to stake Pens to early lead.
The quick start did not deflate the short handed Leafs who were counting on call ups to bolster a depleted bench. Not sure if that was due to Leafs post game food menu or just a general lack of enthusiam to play the league leading Pens.
Leafs were determined to even the score and take advantage of poor officiating from a rogue Ref who was mysteriously missing his refereeing credential badge from his uniform. A few marginal calls that looked like blatant off sides were hotly disputed by Pens net minder Dean” i can hear you with these 2 stanley cup rings in my…… oh wait no those are just ear buds from his 1980’s sony walkman” Shill.
The Leafs were not distracted by these outburst and continued to crash the net, which apparently was dislodged prior to the Leafs tying goal. A claim later confirmed by acting on ice official Talbot Stevens, as a good goal, while coaching the ref during the whole proceedings.
Leafs continued to pressure the frustrated Pens who were still baffled by the officiating which was reported better than last week, by unknown Leaf player, well we actually do know but whatever, which the Leafs coincidentally lost 3-2. I would be complaining about that reffing too
Leafs go ahead with some nifty stick handling by sure handed Rumple, as he deposited shot behind Shill with Matt Snyder looking on with disbelief – or it could have been exhaustion and he was trying to keep up to Kevin the whole game.
Leafs make is a 2 goal lead, again probably due to offside that was missed but this didn’t phase the Pens who were mounting a come back but ran into penalty trouble after Pens forward Mike Marquis was molested in the corner and tried to extradite himself from the clutches of Geoff Curphey accidentally clipped him with high stick which Talbot was quick to point out.
With the Pens one man down, Pens D in an attempt to ice the puck was called for stick infraction – aka Slap Shot Rule – which after consultation with Ref, Talbot agreed that this was in fact a penalty and put the Penguins down 2 men.
With less than a mintue to play and the crock pot timer going off the ref was confronted by Leafs players(Talbot) to end the game before Jimmie got access to Leafs dressing room to get first dibs on meatball subs.
Final score Leafs 3 Pens 2. Ref big ZERO.
Talbot 10 out of 10 as he did reach out to the Pens players and invited the losers to feast on their spoils for the evening. Only taker was late comer Ernie “smells like KFC” Tell who thought the game was at 10:30 and had to smell like he played hockey before he left the arena.
In other news… Penguins passed on post game beers so they could enjoy some While (aka wine) with their Cheese.
Red Wings 6 vs Kings 4
Wings get 2 goals from Frank “The Tank” Erle, 2 from Adam “Bang Bang” Cleland, 1 from his brother Evan “Ever Night” Cleland and Russel “Don’t sleep on me” Smith pops his 1st of many this year.
No comment from Kings… Henry’s analytics department is currently reviewing the corsi rating of every player on the team in hopes of finding a way to get back in the winners column.
Bruins 8 Whalers 3
Bruins reporter Craig Dunbar reports the score may have been 8 but no signal from the ref on a last second goal, but Craig’s a professor so you know he can’t lie.
The mighty Bruins get their 2nd win of the year and discovered the needed formula for success. As long as Bob “The Dean” Andersen gets a hat trick the Bruins are fine. No pressure Bob…
Other goal scorers for the Bruins included DeJong (1 or 2 depending on whether you count the last one), Schaufele (1) and big Tim who got the Bruins started with 2 early goals. The second would definitely be a goal of the year contender as he flipped in a one handed backhand ‘Crosby style’.
The Whalers perhaps did not take the cellar dwelling Bruins seriously and had an off night. Chris Bumbacco tried to single handedly will the Whalers back into contention with several second period dangles (does he ever get tired?), netting one beauty low blocker side off the post. In spite of stellar offensive efforts by Clark and Chester the hole was too big to dig out.
The best news for the Bruins was not the rare win but rather the arrival of a stocked cooler this week after our dry rehab last Monday. Adam Fremeth definitely nets first star!
LIKE MONEY? DISLIKE WORKING?
Read this important message from Talbot Stevens about your future
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I’ve created a new “MAX your RRSP Strategy“ Blueprint, and I’m looking for investors interested in providing feedback. After discussing one of the blueprint’s ideas with David Chilton, he added a new chapter to his latest book, The Wealthy Barber Returns, to address it.
Combined, the ideas in the blueprint should help typical investors be MUCH more effective at building retirement funds.
Most will see improvements of over 100% from their future savings.
In addition to learning some wealth-building concepts, the feedback group will get a free “MAX your RRSP” spreadsheet to quantify how much your RRSP savings can improve.
If you’re interested in being part of the feedback group, let me know.”
October 23 Game Reports
Kings 3 Leafs 2
The Kings show up ready to play except for 1 crucial piece… a goalie!
Mis-communication saw the Royal Ones without a tendy but Scott sprung into action and sent out the “Dean-Signal” so Deaner was on route. The Leafs and Kings decided to scrimmage until DEan showed and then start the official game.
Unfortunately for the Leafs, they won the scrimmage but lost the Main-Event.
After falling behind on a fluke goal off a D-mans skates, the Buds and Kings traded chances but neither could jump ahead and the ugly goal to start the game remained as the decider with a 3-2 Kings victory.
Talbot… is still in tears.
Wings 5 Bruins 1
It was back to the future for the Bruins who brought out Foulon and Noble as Subs.
Things looked good as the Bruins lead 1-0 after the first hour on a strange knuckle ball by Bancroft.
Bruins had many good chances to extend the lead but the Wings tender was a wall.
Nickle opened the wings scoring on his own knuckle ball from the blue line and the floodgates opened for the Wings.
Wings got goals from Alton, Adam Cleland (2) and Nickle (2 for the night).
The Bruins were left with a sour taste of what could have been and to add insult to injury they had no beer after the game (the only serious loss of the evening).
Penguins 6 Whalers 5
Much like a tale of 2 cities… we have a tale of 2 game reports….
The Winner (Blair of the Pens):
Pens Shill stymies Whalers who at times resembled the logo on the Whalers jersey, but did have the oven mitts working overtime
Typically a slow starting team the Pens came out flying (contrary to natural instinct to waddle) with 2 quick goals on some nifty passing from penguins forwards.
Richard Wooooooton, continued his scoring prowess netting 2 with singles going to Dave Rosen and Steve Boone.
With Whalers down 3 their offense kicked into gear with pesky Chris “bummer” Bumbacco leading the charge. His tenacious back checking forced numerous turnovers in the Pens side of center ice(tired legs I guess?) creating numerous scoring chances for the green machine.
Shill was called upon on many occasions thwarting the offensive pressure applied by Bummer and supporting winger, yes just one winger as Scott Cortese was occupied with breaking in new skates and looked like bambie on ice. i guess wearing them in the house all day didnt help and probably scratched up the hardwood flooring
Whalers pressure resulting in consecutive goals to narrow the pens lead to 1 before Jeff Conway injected energy into the pens office with a couple of lazer shots that bent the twin behind Bonecracker Martin.
… have to mention that Clark Webster did score tonight on bad Pens D giveaway. Pens felt sorry for the Wendel as he was trying so hard to score a goal tonight.
Ice time controversy took over at end of the game as Whalers continued to play past the 90 minute curfew. Many Whalers were arguing for more time to even the score which Pens reluctantly obliged. Notably missing from the debate was Commish Cortese who continued to be distracted with his new skates… Not sure if he was cleaning the snow off his blades or rubbing out the skuff marks
The Loser (Scott of the Whalers):
Pens were up 5-1 with their 2 lines vs. Whalers’ 3 lines but slowed down a bit later in the game and the Whalers kept coming within 1 but couldn’t tie it up.
Whalers even tried to shift strategy and tried to take out Dean’s ipod – weren’t sure whether to go for the earbuds or the main unit hidden on the body or just cut the wires with skate blades.
Some Whalers goals by Andrew Bratton, Clark Webster, and Scott Duncan to name a few and Penguins goals by Mike Marquis and a blistering top shelf goal from green helmet guy, Jeff Conway I think.
Domenic was flying down the middle of the ice in the first and ran into a brick wall named Josh Scott which resulted in Domenic leaving the ice in disgust.
The Pens found his jersey on the floor of the dressing room after the game. Will we ever see the Domineister again??
Captain Collett was feeling gracious and allowed an extended 5 minutes at the end of the game but the Whalers couldn’t tie it up with the empty net.
On another note, it was learn to skate night for Cortese with new skates, ouch not a pretty sight!
October 16 Game Reports
Kings 6 Bruins 3
The Bruins had the shot advantage by a large margin but the Kings got the better goaltending according to Bruins goalie Craig Dunbar.
The Bruins gave up multiple breakaways to Kings forward Adam Foulon who took up his usual spot behind the defense – something the Bruins should be aware of as they benefited from it for years – Foulon with 2 on the night.
Andrew Sharpie and Murray Pratt also finished for the Kings.
Chris Bumbacco sparing for the Bruins John MacArthur who seems to have left the league after only 1 game – claiming he didn’t look good in yellow.
The only positive for the Bruins was the arrival of a new baby for Andy Leung – Congratulations Andy!
Pens Won vs Red Wings Lost
3 goals from the Clelands (Adam x 2, Evan x 1) wasn’t enough for the Red Wings who fell to the Pens.
Blair’s game report should arrive sometime between 10:00 am and Friday evening, as Blair isn’t really one for “being on time”…
UPDATE… Blair has awoken and provided this game report, received at 6:19 Tuesday (18 hours and 19 minutes after the fact).
Penguins vs Red Wings saw Cleland Clan enter a new era after enjoying a successful run with perennial cellar dweller Penguins. Pregame jocularity was replaced by amped up energy as the Wings took an early lead over the typical slow starting Penguins.
What did you expect we have web feet (Editors notes: I googled it and this is correct).
Cleland sporting #19 looked the part as he opened the scoring with lazer like precision beating “The Thrill” low glove.
Like the saying goes, Low glove no love ….from the goalie… get it????
Recently found pair of hands by Ernie “Dont” Tell evened the score with a round the horn shot ringing off every piece of metal in the net.
The daunting D pairing of Alton and Carruthers were intimidating the Pens early but relentless pressure applied by Mike Marquis frustrated the Wings D.
Unfortunately for M&M his last dipsidoodle was met by the pair running over the Mike with Alton nervously sitting on top of him asking if his shoulder was OK.
The ensuing power play resulted in go ahead goal by Rich Wooooooooton who’s shocking orange socks have not been worn since the last hockey update, didn’t know he was that sensitive.
Wings succumbing to Pen’s pressure with the score going into period 2 tied at 2
Penguins deep bench pays off as fresh feet on the ice wore out the Wings. Numerous scoring chances were stymied by the Wings tender Patrick “I cant stop smiling” Rodriguez – back from his vacation last week that saw the Wings play with no goalie.
Not to be outdone, numerous defensive turnovers by the usually dependable Pen’s D keep goalie Shill sharp as he bailed out each defencemen who were coughing up the puck like a bad Buckleys commercial.
Honorable mention to Tyler Smith who scored on his 20th shot attempt.
Final score… who cares the Pens are living the dream.
Whalers 5 Leafs 2
Jimmy had his boys flying out of the dressing room and the Leafs were unable to convert chances.
“Wendel” Clarke Webster was a terror for the Leafs, in his beautiful green jersey he went in and out of the Leafs zone like a dollar bill into a strippers g-string.
Shawn Martin was stingy in net for the Big Green Fish, reminiscent of an old man who won’t share his change with the homeless guy on the street.
Leafs D-Man turned offensive power John Lierman had 2 for the buds but it wasn’t enough. Snyder thought he had one late but it turns out he’s as blind as he is slow and lazy and the puck actually hit the far post and bounced out.
Oh Snyder… you are awful!
October 9 Game Reports
Whalers 13 Red Wings 3
Red Wings took one on the chin last night when they arrived at the rink but goalie Patrick Rodriguez was nowhere to be found.
The Whalers smelled blood in the water and jumped out to an early lead pumping 12 goals past the brave but un-equipped Russ Smith who basically stood in the net without equipment and did his best.
The referee decided he had seen enough and found some pads and was able to help salvage a game and with a goalie in net the Wings actually won 3-1 but, this is the MNHL and we’re cut-throat so the final score reads 13-3.
A lesson to everyone… let your captain know if you’re not going to make the game.
Kings vs Penguins
Turn out for Turkey bowl favored the Penguins as King Henry and the round table of 8 were worn down by the Persistent Pens Pressure.
Early goals from the Kings staked them to a 2-0 lead before the gravy dried off of Dean “The Thrill” Shills jersey.
Pens relentlessly attacked lead by returning Vet Dom Cuzzocrea, aka Hattie, who found the net 3 times on his return to MNHL from a long rested summer vacation – looks like the extra skates with Junior is paying off.
Kings Roof Daddy Adam Foulong showed no presence of Tryptophan as he carved through the ice and ripped a shot over the greasy oven mitt of Shill.
Kings lead by 2 with 35 minutes to go – but wait that’s too long for the short staffed Kings.
Henry plea bargains for shorter second half due to poor turnout he blames on turkey. Ref seems confident of time and slaps up another 35 minutes which motivated the Penguins squad, who had a full turn out on Turkey day and showed no compassion for the Kings.
Rich “Garbage Goal” Wooton – not to be outdone by the crafty vet Cuzzocrea – went hard to the net and was rewarded not once, not twice but 3 times with three crappy shovel the garbage into the back of the net goals.
With the Kings dejected by the onslaught from the ice turkeys, the Pens wore out the Kings in the second half for a 6-4 win.
After the game many Kings players were seen bent over in dejection, not sure if they were coughing up a lodged turnkey bone or just fatigued from the game. Pens are happy to report the defibrillator remained behind glass ready for next years gravy battle.
Bruins 2 Leafs 2
Quite the defensive battle by a couple of goalies with something to prove. Dunbar fresh off a 9-1 waxing last week shows the Bruins he’s not ready for the dumpster yet while the Leafs Orr still sour over a 0-0 tie during his absence 2 weeks ago urges the Leafs to play solid D and they respond – kind of.
Leafs controlled a good chunk of the early play before the Bruins get a lucky one on a fat rebound.
Dunbar was solid despite being challenged all game – by both shots and Snyders big old booty in his face for a good portion of the game.
Bruins already down players skated with 9 including super sub Cleland in place of the Unicorn John MacArthur. Big Tim steady’s the game on the back end.
Lierman, Rupple, Noble and Curphey provide all the offensive chances the Leafs could muster but Dunbar was sharp – he’s likely still angry over some inappropriate comments made at Westerns Fake Homecoming about his marking practices on a finance paper.
Give the kid an “A” Craig… have a heart.
MNHL INSIDER REPORT
By Slob McKenzie
Looks like Pens Goalie Shill is still on fire after losing his iPod following the previous MNHL game.
A GAA of 2.00 was suggesting Dean was being dangled as trade bait – but no takers. Not so fast MNHL Insiders, his game is about to weaken as he’ll be distracted by having to change CD’s on his new (vintage) Sony Discman.
Dean is storing his CD’s on the bench and constantly asking his D-Men for new play list – very distracting for all so the Pens GAA is bound to suffer.
Full bench of players could be the unraveling of the Penguins current win streak as Dom Cuzzocrea aka Cuzzman is back from hiatus and looking for extra ice time.
To much Turkey could be his undoing as too much Tryptophan could set in on the back check.
October 2 Game Reports
Whalers: Lots Kings: Less
From the sounds emanating from the lobby, the Whalers were giving the Kings one hell of a whooping. Jimmy frantically willed his Mean Green Hockey Machine to “shoooooooooooooooooooooooooot the puuuuuuuuuuuuck” and shoot it they did.
No specific details of the game because Jimmy was 8 beers in and couldn’t remember anyones name, but the Whalers come away with 2 valuable points in what is turning out to be a close first month of MNHL action.
Leafs 5 Red Wings 1
After a fluky goal that put the Wings up 1-0 the Leafs said “f**k this s**t” and decided to control the puck the the rest of the 80 minute game.
Kevin Rupple had 2 fantastic goals and newcomer John Lierman went bar down on Wings goalie Patty Rods.
The Cleland line had a bunch of chances but couldn’t find the back of the net. Rumors are that Poppa Andy might have grounded the boys after one of them missed a wide open net. Here’s hoping those 3 don’t heat up soon – could be trouble for the rest of the MNHL.
Wing were down a bunch of guys due to injuries, Leafs were up a bunch of guys due to none of them skate hard enough to get hurt.
Penguins 9 Bruins 1
Dunbar sent me a 3:00 am text with the score that strangely smelled like Sambuca thru the phone, in what we can only guess was an attempt to “drink this one away” for the big bad Bruins.
I’m not sure what’s worse, getting pounded 9-1 or having to listen to Blair talk about it all night at Marino’s after.
September 25 Game Reports
Penguins 0 Leafs 0
In what could be described as both an AMAZING display of goal tending and a DISGUSTING display of offensive hockey, the Pens and Leafs managed to stumble to a 0-0 tie game that saw both teams combine for 2 shots and 0 scoring chances of quality.
Some of the boys commented that it was the first 0-0 tie in the 35 year MNHL history, which if true, further compounds the futility of the performance.
After the game comments such as “what the f**k did I just participate in?” or “I can’t believe I wasted an hour of my life for that” and “Are we really that shitty at hockey” could be heard coming from both teams.
When the referee was asked to comment on the skill level of the game, he only laughed before shaking his head and walking away in disgust.
Great games from Pens goalie Dean “The Thrill” Shill and King turned Leaf for a night Scott Bannister who both closed the door several times.
SPECIAL PENS vs LEAFS GAME ANALYSIS
By MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie
- Pen’s offense and beer guy takes the night off as defense is the primary focus of the game.
- Dean “Still the Thrill” Shill was called upon numerous times to keep the game close as the Pens were unable to muster up any offense.
- New comer Colin Duffy still trying to figure out Remind app was being cursed by teammates for not showing up to game leaving questions about his commitment to the team. Colin was responsible for post game refreshments and not showing up was not sitting well with team captain Collett.
- Leaving the ice dejected after 0-0 draw teammates were overjoyed to see Colin in the lobby which made up for deflated game score.
- A number of Leafs were later seen suiting up for depleted Red Wings squad.
- Usually reliable point getter Matt Snyder was one of the Leafs tapped for double duty remarked that Pens game was only his warm up but was completely gassed after 2nd shift for the Wings.
- Wings Captain turned Joe Skufka was seen hobbling around rink lobby cursing his team for lack of commitment and having to pick up spares like Snyder.
Bruins 4 vs Whalers 3
The Whalers built an impressive 3-1 lead lead by a beautiful set up from Chris Bumbacco on a two on one with a nice back door pass.
Savy Vet Steve Adams swept a backhand shot off the post for the third Whalers goal and it looked like night night for the Bruins.
The TSN turning point may have been a missed opportunity by the “El Presidente” on another great backdoor pass where Scott Cortese fanned on the tip in facing a wide open net.
The Bruins needed all the time in this 90 minute affair to mount their comeback.
“The Dean” Bob Andersen scored three including a great bar down redirection and a shorthanded goal after stealing the puck behind the Whaler’s net.
“The Coach” Chris Higgins capped the comeback by burying a rebound late to give the Bruins the 2 points.
Red Wings 4 Kings 2
The Wings jumped out early thanks to Adam Cleland working a bank shot from the side that may or may not have gone off dad Andy.
Cleland gets his 2nd in short order and the Wings never gave up the lead.
Late in the game Poppa Cleland says “not so fast son, anything you can do your old man can do better” and scores one of his own before grounding Adam for trying to show him up, Adam says “but I’m a 35 year old man, you can’t ground me”… We suspect that one got settled at home.
Kings newcomer Jeremy Morehouse makes a great impression on his new squad by forgetting his pants for game 1, I guess that’s one way to keep expectations low early in the season. He got supplied a pair and played a steady game in the back end.
Late in the game Kings captain Henry “Hank” Verbakel units the law firm of “Pratt, Verbakel and Foulon” but their motion to pass a goal is denied by the Judge and they are forced to pay costs to the Wings in the form of 2 points in the standings…. those were legal references for the laymans.
Red Wings Win… Case Dismissed!
September 18 Game Report
The smell of hockey is in the air. Musty jerseys, stinky gloves and the beautiful aroma of tape to tape passes. MNHL is back in action.
Red Wings 6 Bruins 1
Games kicked off at 10:00 with the Bruins taking on the Red Wings. Wings Captain Joe Skufca calls on the Power of 3… 3 Clelands that is and is able to fly out of the gate with a 6-1 win.
Ol’ Dunbar must have had 1 eye on the Monday Night Football game – maybe the Bruins miss Foulon more then they figured, but probably not.
A close game for a while until the Wings potted 4 in the last 10 minutes which is actually a moral victory for Dunbar who usually allows 8+ in the first week as he plays himself into “game shape”.
Kings 6 Leafs 5
Henry’s million dollar team jumped out to a wide lead after 20 minutes of back and forth (a lot of forth, not much back) play.
Henry gets an early 1 to break the seal… The ladies in the stands go wild.
Kings off season free-agent pick up Adam Foulon flew around in his black jersey looking young and spry. Black is slimming after all.
When asked about the transition to the Kings after a career in Bruins Yellow, Foulon noted that he just went where the money was when he signed that big free agent contract – when reminded that free agent contracts were against MNHL rules Foulon backtracked before going home to his brand new 5 bedroom house with the “Sold by Henry” sign on the front lawn… The MNHL is investigating.
Leafs start the come back around the 50 minute mark eventually bringing it back to within 1 but the rink rat hit the curfew button on the Leafs with 50 seconds left on the clock and a tying goal inevitable.
Only 1 game in and we almost had our first ejection of the season when Snyder came close to throwing a hay-maker after getting held on the play only to realize it was Henry grabbing him from behind… Verbakel has no idea how close he came to getting karate chopped by the XXL Leafs “Power” Forward.
Rumblings in the Kings ranks already when it was reported that they didn’t have beer in the room after the game. WTF Henry… WTF?
Penguins 3 Whalers 1
Close game that saw the score 2-1 Pens late and the Whalers buzzing to tie, but an empty netter with seconds remaining ended Jimmy’s dream of an opening night victory.
Penguins looking to rebound from last years poor play off performance and grudge match against demoted Leaf and new Whaler Star “Wendell” Clark Webster.
The Resident MNHL Goon Blair Collett found a crack in Shawn “The Bone Cracker” Martin’s armour to put Pen’s up by 1 early in the contest… hey even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.
Lots of summer rust was displayed by both squads as goaltenders stole the show with numerous breakaway saves. Remember, back checking is only a suggestion in the MNHL. Only Scott “El Presidente” Cortese was in mid-season form in his first game with the Mean Green Whaling Machine against his old team the Baby Blue Birds.
The Whalers got message from McCormick to pull the goalie late in the game, probably a bit too late as Jimmie was too busy socializing and not paying attention to clock.
Rich Wotton wearing the incognito orange socks was lighting it up again setting up Marquis with a pass for an open net goal but the pass was more like a dump in. The puck eventually found the back of the net at the buzzer which was hottly contested but by the time the video review came back the game was already over and the Zamboni on his 3rd lap
Best news of the night no injuries to report and great turn out at Marino’s. Here’s hoping Jimmie didnt go home with Super Women.
During the post game press conference Jimmy was asked for some details on the game but he only responded with a pretty insulting profanity filled rant and then passed out in the corner so I have no idea how the Whalers took the loss.
MNHL Insider Report
By MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie – September 18th
Rumors out of the Penguins camp are suggesting that Power Forward Tyler Smith could miss the season opener with a mysterious “total body” injury i.e. his “total body” is in another province.
Hopefully for the Pens it’s not his night to bring the beer – stay tuned for developments.
2017 MNHL TEAM PREVIEW
BURNING QUESTIONS FOR EACH TEAM IN 5 WORDS
By the MNHL Insider Slob McKenzie – September 14th
Bruins… Did Dunbar stretch this summer?
Kings… Can Henry buy another Championship?
Leafs… Should Leafs eat before faceoff?
Penguins… Who’s turn to forget beer?
Red Wings… Sleeper pick for MNHL Cup?
Whalers… Will Jimmy survive year 2?
MNHL DRAFT / MNHL NEWS
September 6, 2017
The lights were bright in Los Angeles as the 2017 MNHL Draft took place last night.
Was it L.A.? Or was it Jimmy’s kitchen? Basically the same thing if you ask me…
The buzz on the street was the league wide re-drafting of the MNHL. New friendships created – old rivalry’s re-kindled – Jimmy still arguing every decision.
The league was split into groups of players of equal ability and experience to ensure that each team was as close to balanced as possible.
The shake-up was evident in the first round when the bingo balls fell and the Bruins Triple Threat of Foulon / Dunbar / Gibson was… SPLIT UP?
“Breaking Up… Is Hard to Do….”
Adam Foulon to the KINGS!!!!!!!! Henry rejoiced “Now I don’t have to chase that bastard around” he said (no swearing Henry… Jimmys mom is upstairs)
Up Next, the Red Wings selected the Cleland Family.
Kevin Rupple goes to the Leafs… Jimmy Cries in the corner…
Skip forward a few rounds… Penguins Captain Blair “The Goon” Collett selects Mike Marquis “I think I slashed that guy last year” he says. Penguins select Tyler Smith… Blair comments “I KNOW I slashed that guy last year”. Penguins select Rich Wotton… Blair comments “I think that guy slashed ME last year”
And thus is life in the MNHL: The guy you slash today could be your teammate tomorrow!
The draft continued until all players except Matt Snyder were selected. The captains then had a draw to see who would end up with Matt Snyder… Talbot lost.
Talbot asks Snyder “Have you been working out?”
Snyder replies “No but I have been eating more”
– Heated race to draft Rod Mitchell – not only for his expert defensive play but for the annual Mitchell Christmas party and use of his massage chair
– Talbot selects Matt Snyder in the last round after commenting that he would take anyone except for Matt Snyder… The hockey gods work in mysterious ways Talbot
– After all of the mixing and matching, Craig Dunbar ends up back in the Bruins yellow. Some things are just meant to be I guess.
LEAGUE STARTS SEPTEMBER 18th
September 6, 2017
10:00 – Bruins vs Red Wings
10:30 – Leafs vs Kings
11:00 – Penguins vs Whalers
MANDATORY MNHL MONDAYS AT MARINOS
September 6, 2017
A fine suggestion from Pens Captain Blair Collett last night at the draft was voted on and approved by the Board of Governors:
The first Monday of every month is “Mandatory MNHL Mondays at Marinos”
After the games, head to Marinos for a drink and some wings and mingle with the rest of the boys in the league.
See old friends and meet the new guys.
Stay for 1 or (if you’re the Penguins) Stay for a few. It’s not really mandatory but you can tell your wife it is!
MNHL SEASON TO START EARLIER
August 1, 2017
The league will confirm shortly that the
MNHL season will start 2 weeks earlier on
September 18th at Carling.
That’s 2 extra skates this season but 2 less weeks of
MNHL DRAFT DATE SET
The MNHL Draft Date is scheduled for Tuesday Sept 5th.
This league the MNHL will dump the entire league into a blender and mix it up with – what should become an annual event – an entire league roster draft – all players are eligible.
Remember that guy you slashed last winter? Will he be your new teammate?
Remember that guy who deeked you out of your jock? Will he be your new winger?
Stay tunes for the results.
MNHL BACK TO 90 MINUTE GAMES in 2017-2018
Commissioner Scott Cortese recently confirmed that the MNHL will move to 90 minute games in time for the start of the 2017-2018 season.
The league rosters will increase from 10 to 12 players per team and games will now start at 9:00, 10:00 or 10:30.